PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 13: Willie The Psychic
January 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

Remember when all these self-righteous, self-professed clairvoyants predicted that the world would end as the world said goodbye to 1999 and hello to 2000?
...I think it's officially safe to say they're wrong.

So, here we are, in the year of our Dark Lord 2002, in a grip of fear from a bunch of mentally unstable, turban-donning bandwagoners... with every passing second becoming just a little more tightly connected to the computer we're sitting at... and still, after all this time, and all we've done to prevent it, listening to Fred Durst whine. Fuck Osama; we need anti-raprock legislation, and we need it yesterday, man.
But that's not my purpose today, poncho. I've decided to throw a little caution to the wind and make some predictions for the following 12 months. And, should that caution turn into a popcorn fart and blow back in my face, well I guess you won't be the one smelling it anyway, so what the fuck does it matter to you? Anyway, onward and upward...

Willie's Bold-ass Prediction #1: Osama Bin Laden will be found... during filming of Survivor 4. After all the running and hiding he's been doing, it will come to be known to the world that Mr. Jihad has an addiction to reality TV. And since he's living literally under a rock with no TV, he finally loses it when he hears (insert name of Survivor hottie of your choice here) masturbating just off-camera. However, instead of turning him over to authorities, the first one to anally rape him with a white-hot branding iron wins immunity that week.

Willie's Bold-ass Prediction #2: In light of the heroic actions of firefighters in the aftermath of 9/11, ABC will broadcast a very special awards ceremony, honoring the Firefighters of the Year. In a cruel twist of irony, the venue will be firebombed just as the guys from the Subway commercial prepare to accept their Record of the Year award. The culprit will be identified as Smokey the Bear, and when asked "Why, Smokey, why?", he'll go on a profanity-laced tirade, something to the effect of "I've been stuck out here in the Goddamn woods my entire life, through the worst storms mother nature could throw at me. I've been attacked by packs of hungry fucking wolves. I've even been fucked in the ass by a moose! Where the fuck is MY recognition? Where the fuck is MY gold-plated statuette and complimentary fruit basket? Fuck authority! Fuck the establishment! You will KNOW my name is SMOKEY! ...oh, and remember, only you can suck my musty balls!"

Willie's Bold-ass Prediction #3: Trying to save face after his recent arrest (after which, according to witnesses, he sat in the back of the police car and bawled like a scared little bitch), Backstreet Boy Nick Carter (is that his name?) will quit the quintessential boy band and strike out on his own... as a GANGSTA RAPPER! The album drops to mediocre reviews in June... he is shot and killed by Vanilla Ice in July. Vanilla's motive? "I was jealous. He's such a better rapper than me."

Willie's Bold-ass Prediction #4: Long-running NBC sitcom "Friends" will be cancelled after too many seasons on the airwaves. The reason? NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ANYMORE!

Willie's Bold-ass Prediction #5: Sick to death of pop, and bored by the nu-metal trends, hip teens turn to polka as the outlet of choice to vent their pent-up anger and frustration. Limp Bizkit immediately name Frankie Yankovic as their replacement for Wes Borland.

These and many more wonderful things will happen in 2002.
I know.
I'm a psycho.

Here endeth the ePISSle.