PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 38: And The Award For Best Cock Eating Fuck Goes To...
Written February 12, 2004 - Originally posted at Great White Noise.com

Okay, here's the sitaution...

I think that, though they were never that much better to begin with, awards shows in general have degenerated into a public, glamorized round of head for the big corporations. I mean, at one time they kind of almost meant something, but now?!... Look at the Grammys, once the highest accolade an artist could ever aspire to achieve. But now, they're a joke, just like the rest. I'm sorry, but I can't find an ounce of respect for an awards show that gives hardware to Evanescence and Christina Aguilera. There are thousands of truly great artists out there who will never taste any measure of success because the uninspired, unoriginal nu-metal soundalike stylings of Evanescence is lauded as the best in new talent, the example of what all artists starting out should strive for. If taking music that was popular five years ago, rehashing it, and selling it under the false guise of originality just because you changed one component of the formula (in Evanescence's case, the groundbreaking revelation that the singer's a CHICK) is the wave of the future, remind me to never make a fucking record.

Hell, the fact that Fountains of Wayne was nominated in the same category proves that the suits are clueless wankers who ask their grandchildren who's hot before offering up their nominees. I mean, sweet fucking Christ, Fountains of Wayne have released at least three albums, and have been active as a major label group for at least seven years... and now, suddenly, they're a "new" group, just because it took this long to get one of their songs played on the radio. Mind you, the association members essentially allowing preteens to do the work for them does have its benefits. At least Jethro Tull hasn't won anything since the infamous "heavy metal" farce. Although, some twelve years later, does anyone else find it ironic that the same band we thought was robbed by Jethro Tull is the same band we thought robbed virtually everyone else on the nominee list this year?

Anyway, if there's a point in all of this, it's that I refuse to take any awards show too seriously. It's not the be all, end all for artists. Just because you win a nice, shiny trophy, doesn't mean you won't be upsizing my fries this time next year. There are only two purposes these shows serve anymore... 1) To gather a slew of celebs together for a night of drunken debauchery that will no doubt land some of them a load of cheap publicity after they embarass themselves after too many Cognacs (unless your name is Colin Farrell, in which case we're all immune to your tomfoolery)... and 2) To keep Joan Rivers working.

So, in closing, there's no need to watch the Junos this year. Nickelback will win a shitload of awards despite their horribly nauseating unoriginality; Swollen Members will win a shitload of awards despite the fact that their latest album is so incredibly bad, not even a Todd MacFarlane cover could get the fucking thing out of the record stores; Barenaked Ladies will win a shitload of awards despite the first single on their latest album being about postcards of fucking chimpanzees (I know NO ONE who will admit to liking that piece of dogshit song); Shania Twain will win a shitload of awards despite not even being nominated (I'm sure they'll invent a new one just for her); Our Lady Peace will show up, just to remind you that every day, in every way, they're getting closer to becoming Nickelback; Three Days Grace will win Best New Artist because they're touring with Nickelback; and a host of really talented Canadian artists (i.e. The Weakerthans, New Pornographers, Moneen and The Salads)... WON'T... GET... SHIT.

Oh, and some washed up hack that none of us have heard of will get a lifetime achievement award because one of his/her songs was once featured in an episode of "Jake and the Fatman".

Here endeth the ePISSle.