PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 35: Kill Bill?! Kill Miramax!
Written August 2003

Okay, here’s the situation…

I love the films of Quentin Tarantino. Sure, I’m not the only one, but I like to think of myself as one of his biggest fans. Ever since I first laid eyes on “Reservoir Dogs”, I knew I was onto something special, a feeling that proved itself more than justified with 1994’s brilliant “Pulp Fiction” (a movie I never think twice to call the greatest of all time). Even “Jackie Brown”, though somewhat sluggish, is a movie I found thoroughly entertaining. So, it’s been about six years since we’ve been graced with the presence of a new Tarantino flick at the local cineplex, and I’ve been periodically frothing at the mouth with the prospect of the fourth Quentin film, “Kill Bill”. For those unaware of the movie’s presence, it’s basically Uma Thurman on a bloody mission of vengeance against her ex-husband, who tried to have her killed. She wakes up from a four-year coma, wields a ninja sword, and starts cutting motherfuckers up (apparently, in graphic, gory fashion too). It’s an homage to the ninja flicks of the seventies, and sure to display the typical Tarantino flare as well. Needless to say, I’m stoked.

However, my level of excitement for this movie has dropped dramatically recently. It’s not that I no longer desire to see it, because I do (dear Lord, I do). But, upon visiting the official movie site a couple of weeks ago, I was shocked and disgusted by what I saw, and it wasn’t a bloody scene from the movie.

From all the reports I’ve read, it seems apparent that Tarantino and Miramax are going to try something rather bold with “Kill Bill”. You see, Tarantino’s final cut of the film is about three hours long. And, though three hours can be a bit of a long stretch for some people, nobody seemed to mind sitting through “Titanic” but me. Regardless, the deal is that Miramax has decided to split “Kill Bill” in two, releasing the first part in October, and the second in January.

I’ll give you a minute to read that last sentence over a few times. Let it sink in.

Now that you’ve started to grasp the severity of the situation, I ask you… why should I, or anybody else for that matter, have to spend $18 to see one fucking movie? Let alone the fact that you have to wait three fucking months to see how it ends! It’s a bullshit money-making tactic, and I have a sinking feeling about it (and, by sinking feeling, I don’t refer to “Titanic” in any way, especially the way in which it made such a disgustingly huge amount of money). I fear that this plan is going to backfire, and that Quentin Tarantino is going to lose a hell of a lot of fans over it. I mean, Christ’s nipples on a crucifix! It’s one thing to extend the waiting time rabid fucks like me have had to endure, but to charge us double the admission price? Hell, it almost makes me want to wait for the DVD for spite! But no… I just know in my cholesterol-clogged heart of hearts that I’ll be making the two trips to the theatre for this. And that’s the source of the anger.

See, Tarantino knows he’s got a shitload of loyal fans, who’d give anything to see this fucking movie. A lot of people could give two shits that “Kill Bill” is being released in two parts. Commonly, the argument is, “they’re doing it with the Matrix movies”. Well, back the fucking truck up, Sparky. For one, “Kill Bill” was NEVER intended to be released in two parts during filming, whereas the last two installments of the “Matrix” trilogy were meant to be separated from the get go. For two, the contracts which the “Matrix” actors signed were for two movies, whereas the “Kill Bill” actors signed on for only one. I’m left to believe that all of the actors in “Kill Bill” will have to have their contracts redrawn and, furthermore, they should probably be getting paid double what they were offered. Makes sense, doesn’t it? I’ll bet it doesn’t make a lick of sense to the grab-ass cocks at Miramax.

There’s another reason this is a dangerous venture for Quentin. Now, there is a slight spoiler with regards to the movie’s suggested structure in this paragraph, so if you’re of the type that doesn’t want to hear shit about how the two parts reflect on each other, skip ahead… I won’t get mad. Anyway, though I haven’t read the script, I guess it’s been online for quite a while now. That said, it’s pretty much common knowledge to those who have read it how it will all play out. And, if you believe the hype, the two parts break down like this. The first half contains the vast majority of the fight scenes and bloodshed, while the second half goes deeper into the characters and the plot lines. So, in essence, the first part to be released will turn the cranks of those thirsty for violence, while the second part will cater more to those who love Tarantino’s story telling. Now, if you love both equally, there’s not much of a problem here. But, let’s look at it this way. The people who attend the screening of the first part will probably be made up of these two distinct groups of people. We’ll call Group A the bloodthirsty fuckers, and Group B the story-loving fuckers. There is, for sake of argument, a Group C, which consists of fuckers like me, who like all that shit. Anyway, if the film holds true to what folks are saying, I can see Groups A & B being sorely disappointed somewhere along the way. Let’s say that 90% of Group A see the first half, and leave the theatre rabidly craving the second part, where surely all the violence will come to a head in a gruesome, deadly crescendo. Furthermore, let’s say that 50% of Group B walks out of the first part, extremely disappointed that Tarantino’s story telling got thrown out the window in favor of a slice and dice ninja flick. The rest manage to sit through the film, but are overall dismayed at the lack of plot. Fast forward to January, when Part 2 is released. Group C is up for it automatically, though I think many will be turned off by the whole double admission issue. Regardless, we’re left with 90% of Group A, and 0% of Group B. Now, surely, some members of Group A will stay home, and some members of Group B will show up hoping for improvement, but I’d guess they’ll even themselves out. So, when part 2 is shown, with its plot lines, character development, and reduction in violence, how do you think Group A will react? Hell, three months ago, they saw a ton of badass shit, and now they’re being treated to a story. I’m willing to bet that a lot of them will be feeling as ripped off by Part 2 as so many members of Group B felt after Part 1. Are you starting to see the dilemma now?

Of course, that was just a theory, and all theories can be disproved. Regardless, I have a bad feeling about the whole thing in general. I’d like to think that Tarantino will come out of this intact, but it doesn’t look very promising in light of all of this potential alienation.

Now, I do have an idea, which the studio will shut down immediately, but it’s worth a shot. Let’s say that, when Part 1 is released, movie goers are asked to hang on to their ticket stubs. And, in January, if you show up with your stub from Part 1, you get to see Part 2 free. What the fuck am I thinking, right? A free movie? How dare I suggest such a thing? Well, I think it’s only fair as a just reward to those who were expecting to see one movie, not two halves of one three months apart. This way, at least we might get some of those story-loving fuckers into the theatre when storytime arrives. The theatres won’t lose out too much due to their $14 bags of popcorn and $65 colas, and at least it keeps them from showing a flick to a near-empty house.

In closing, and while I’m kind of on the subject, I’ve got a message for the local movie house in Miramichi. Here’s the deal, you piss-drunk cocks; nobody wants to see “Uptown Girls” or “The Medallion”. Yet, you got those over “Freddy vs. Jason” and “Once Upon A Time In Mexico”. What the fuck are you retards thinking? Now, instead of getting $20 a pop from myself and some of my friends, we’ll be watching a pirated (oops… did I say pirated? I meant to say ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADED) version of “Freddy vs. Jason”. By the way, if you fat cats at the studios want to know my fool-proof plan for stopping internet movie piracy, it’s called “Stop Making Dogshit, Fluffball, Fucking Mind-Boggling Retarded Summer Blockbusters That Lower The Customer’s I.Q. By 30 Points”. Look into it, hacks, then send me a cheque when the box office returns go through the fucking roof.

Aw fuck, here I thought I was finished ranting, and I just mistakenly opened up another can of worms. To the theatre in Miramichi, I implore you to bite the fucking bullet and start showing some ‘R’ rated movies. See, I just figured out the whole “Freddy vs. Jason” thing. It’s rated ‘R’, and it’s released in summer. So, regardless of the fact that, at the time I’m typing this, it’s the number one movie in North America, theatres around here haven’t picked it up yet, probably because they can’t let teens into the theatre to see it without an adult. Now that I think of it, it’s always fucking been this way. When “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” came out a couple years ago, I had to drive to Moncton to see it, because the theatre in Miramichi didn’t get it for the first month of its release. Only after all the buzz died down did they get it, and even then it was only shown for one week. I can think of another example; “Traffic”, which was rated ‘R’, indeed showed up at the theatre in Miramichi… two weeks before its release on DVD! Another one… “Snatch”, an excellent fucking movie, was held back for about two months before it showed up here; when Carrie and I went to see it, we were two of eight people in the theatre. Again, the buzz had died down.

I think that, perhaps, the theatre in Miramichi… you know, I haven’t mentioned the brand name, but I don’t know why… I’ll rephrase… motherfucking, cocksucking Empire Theatres Studio 5 in Miramichi (that’s more like it) has some kind of agenda against ‘R’ rated movies… in fact, the only time I can remember an ‘R’ rated movie being shown at Studio 5 for more than a week, AND showing up the day of its release was “Scary Movie 2”. Hmm… scary, indeed. Maybe they’re under so much pressure from the geriatric, bible-beating fucks in this city that they’re afraid to push anyone’s limits. The priorities always seem to lie on PG-13 fluff like fucking “Asstown Girls”, and “Ass Raider 2”, and “2 Ass 2 Furious”. And fucking romantic comedies… the minute a romantic comedy is available, Studio 5’s showing the fucking thing.

Whatever, it’s all good, some people like that drivel. All I’m saying is that, maybe it’s time to wise up and realize that you won’t be shut down for attracting 250 people to an ‘R’ rated flick. Some people like THAT drivel, too. And, if you were truly a top notch provider of entertainment, you’d be able to entertain me sometimes too.

Here endeth the ePISSle.