PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 29: Random Hostility, Book Four
Written August 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

Before I say anything else, allow me to say... sorry. Damn, it's been almost two months since I had a new PV, and believe me, you don't have to tell me I've been treating you like shit, I already know. Well, in a half-assed effort to eke out forgiveness and silence the death threats, I bring you...

RANDOM HOSTILITY: BOOK FOUR

1. Kung Pow: Enter The Suck
I'm very glad I didn't waste my time, energy, or free movie passes to see this shitfest in the theatre. At the end of this... THING... all I was out was two bucks and 80 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Now, seeing as how Kung Pow was the brainchild of Ace Ventura 2's director, I figured on at least a few chuckles. But, in retrospect, I think there was only one, and I'm pretty sure that was out of pity. And yes, I know the premise of the movie, with its old footage with Assfuck inserted into it, and CGI, and blah blah blah... and it wouldn't have been so bad if the actors in the original footage weren't better actors than our star. Hell, even the fucking cow showed better emotional expression. In a world without Zoolander, Kung Pow: Enter The Suck is the worst movie of 2001, and that is certainly NOT a good thing. Fuck you, Kung Pow guy whose name isn't even worth the thirty seconds on imdb.com. Fuck you in your musty ass with a splintery, acid-dipped kendo stick.

2. Contrary To Popular Belief, I Don't Run The Radio Station
Come on, Miramichi, leave me the fuck alone! Everywhere I go, everybody is just dying to talk to me. But, the thing is, no one wants to know how I'M doing. They just want to bitch and complain to me about everything they don't like about the radio station I work at. "Get that new guy off the air, he sounds like he's chewing a box of rocks!" Or, "Tell that Goddamn news guy of yours he's reading the news, not running a marathon!" Or, "When the fuck are you people getting rid of the church shows?" Or, "When you people go FM, are you gonna start playing some decent music?" Or, "Who's that man you got there? You know the one on the radio?" Or, "Hey buddy, can you change a twenty?" Or, "Why aren't you on the radio this week?" You get the picture. Well, I wish I could post my website address on phone poles and get all of those hapless fucking assreamers to check out the next statement... I'M NOT IN CHARGE OF A FUCKING THING. CRYING TO ME WILL CHANGE NOTHING. NO, I WILL NOT TELL (insert announcer's name here) THAT YOU THINK HE/SHE'S A DISGRACE TO HUMANITY. I WILL NOT PLAY RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOR YOU, BUT I REALLY WOULD IF I ACTUALLY HAD THE POWER TO DECIDE WHAT I PLAY, WHICH I DON'T, SO YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK. NO, THE CHURCH SERVICES AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM. MAYBE IF YOU ALL SHUNNED RELIGION INSTEAD OF SCREAMING ABOUT IT, WE'D GET SOMEWHERE. THAT'S RIGHT, THE ONLY REASON WE CARRY CHURCH SERVICES ON SUNDAY MORNINGS IS BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT. AS FOR 'BACK TO THE BIBLE'? SAME REASON... EVER HEAR THE PHRASE 'IGNORE IT AND IT WILL GO AWAY'? WELL... WHO AM I KIDDING, THAT WON'T WORK EITHER. WE PLAY THAT SHIT BECAUSE THEY PAY US TO, AND THE DAY MY BOSS DOESN'T ACCEPT MONEY WILL BE THE DAY WE ALL GET RAISES. WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, THE REASON IT SEEMS LIKE WE DON'T CARE WHEN WE'RE TALKING ON THE RADIO IS... YOU READY FOR THIS?... WE DON'T FUCKING CARE! MAYBE IF WE WERE MAKING ENOUGH MONEY TO COMFORTABLY SURVIVE ON OUR OWN WITHOUT HAVING TO TAKE SECOND AND THIRD JOBS, WE'D BE A LITTLE HAPPIER WORKING OUR FUCKING ASSES OFF. UNTIL THAT DAY COMES, I'M GOING TO BE CRANKY AND YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING LIKE IT. NO, I CAN'T CHANGE A TWENTY. WHY? I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH, FUCKHEAD.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.

3. Ever Get A Looped mp3? Read This & Weep
So there you are, logged into your favorite music download service, looking for that hot new ______________ song. After a few minutes of searching, there it is, in all its glory, 320 bitrate and everything! Lucky, lucky you! You click to download, and walk away, happy as can be. A while later, you come back, eager to hear that wonderful song. But when you click, all you find is a couple lines of the chorus, looped over and over and over and over and over. Fucking shitsuckers! How could anyone be so mean? That's fucking cruel! Why, I oughtta...
If that's an accurate description of an experience you've had, listen up. I've found the culprit. And, though you never suspected them when it first happened to you, it all makes perfect sense when I say it was... the record companies!
It's very much true. The major record companies, ever the ones to embrace new technologies to make everyone's musical experience an enjoyable one, have actually hired people to pull these little pranks. And, while it's not surprising to learn of, what is kind of shocking about it is the fact that these record companies are willingly releasing poor copies of their artists' music on the internet. And, someone who doesn't know any better won't figure out that this is a bad copy at all, instead opting to not go through with the plan to download one of the new Filter songs, then buy the album, because that first song sucked so much ass! When the fuck are these beaurocratic buttfuckers going to realize that if they want to increase revenue, there are smarter ways to go about it than flooding music download sites with crappy interpretations of otherwise decent songs? Besides, the joke is on them anyway. Most of the music download sites are developing technology as we speak that will rid their databases of looped mp3's. Who's laughing now, you corporate cocksmokers?

4. It Wouldn't Be A PV Without The Bank
On this occasion, I'm happy to report that my little situation with the bank demons has turned in my favour. Though it meant forking over a fair amount of cash, the demons have been appeased. I have cancelled the practice of having them fuck up my payments twice a month, and now I am physically going to the bank with my payments. It's a little anticlimactic, sure, but twice a month I get to go to the bank and tell them loud and clear that their sophisticated computer network isn't as smart as me. Besides, I've been drawing little tiny naked bums on the bills, just so they know who's boss. Oh, that and the promise that if I get one more fucking phone call from a brain-dead crony at the collection agency, they get the F-bomb and a visit from my lawyer. Checkmate, motherfucker!

5. I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit
I have been on vacation this week, though my body doesn't know it. To say the last six days have been busy would be a gross understatement. Here's my short list of what's been going on during my vacation...
Friday, August 2: Left at noon to go to Woodstock and see the youngins (they're doing good, thanks for asking). After the kids, went to see Randy & Tracy (by the way, congrats you two). Drank Holsten for the first and last time (one word: VILE), watched some toons, and went to sleep.
Saturday, August 3: Had lunch in Centreville (poutine with hamburger in it: why the fuck didn't somebody think of this sooner?), another visit with the chillins, then another three hour drive back to the Chi. After about an hour of rest, hightailed it to Bathurst for camping with the lady. More drinking, this time on the beach, before turning in.
Sunday, August 4: Came back to the Chi in the morning, vegged for a couple hours, then packing the tent up again and moving on to Bay du Vin to meet up with Earl at Summer Survival. For those who don't know, Summer Survival is a party in a rink with live music and a shitload of alcohol. By midnight, there were 2,300 people crammed in there. Needless to say, more drinking (three days in a row... something I haven't done in a LONG time). Back to Earl's parents' place at about 3am to turn in (this also marks probably the first time ever that I've slept in a tent two nights in a row).
Monday, August 5: Back to the Chi in early afternoon for some much needed chill time. Early evening, went to see 'Signs' (good flick, see it tonight). Back to the pad, watched rasslin', got to sleep in an actual bed.
Tuesday, August 6: Got up much too late, did some writing, then had barely enough time to get ready before myself & Carrie hit the road again, this time for the Fundy coast. Ate at Arby's in Moncton (always nice), and got to Hopewell Cape at around 8:30. Wanted to see the Hopewell rocks, but the fucking place closed at 8pm. So, we wandered around a little bit. Found a covered bridge, and checked that out. There was actually horseshit on the bridge. Also, a bunch of teenager scribblings. I didn't have a Sharpie, so i pissed on the bridge. Went to a nearby campground, and got to camp in the pouring rain. Fun, but not very good for sleep.
Wednesday, August 7: Just like the Skid Row song, I woke up to the sound of pouring rain. Checked my watch; it was 4am. After an hour of trying to get back to sleep without success, I suggested we just pack up and head to Riverview for some McDonald's. So we did. I was operating on about 3 1/2 hours of sleep, but was still excited about seeing the Hopewell rocks. But first, to kill some time before the place opened at 8am. So, to Riverview, some breakfast, Tim Horton's for coffee, sitting in the parking lot wondering what the fuck we were doing here, deciding to just be happy with it, yadda yadda yadda. Went to a place called Crooked Creek Lookout Park just before 8:00. Not much to it but a fantastic view. More teenage scribblings. Luckily, I had to piss. Anyway, got to Hopewell rocks site just a shade after 8am. Did the complete tour, including walking on the ocean floor, around and through the flower pot rocks. Did you know one of them is shaped like a huge fucking dick? I wanted Carrie to do a provocative pose with it, but she declined. Boo. Anyway, a bunch of rocks, a bunch of walking trails, and a little rain later, and we were done with that place (especially after paying nearly $4 for a couple of fucking Pepsis). From Hopewell Cape, drove up to Cape Enrage. Awesome view, hope the pics turn out. From there, through Fundy National Park, and finally back to the Chi at around 3pm. Had a little bit of rest before going to Carrie's parents' house for a while, then to meet up with some folks at the Opera House. They have a new DJ who isn't half bad. Still doesn't hold a candle to me when I was there though. Anyway, capped the night off by getting my groove on for a few minutes, before coming back to the pad and passing the fuck out at around 1am.
Today: I'm doing this, and calling bingo. That's about it, and I think I deserve it.

Anyway, I'll call it quits now. I'm pretty booked for the rest of today, what with all the cigarettes to smoke and TV to watch. Later...