PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 21: Our Time Has Come
Written March 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

It's become apparent to me that this little website of mine has become fairly popular. I remember back in the early days, when I'd refresh my index page a dozen times just to get the hits. Sure, it was cheating, but I'm a prick, so there you go. However, eventually I learned that I have this thing called a "conscience", and ceased my self-serving ways. Well, in the time since, I seem to have picked up numerous fans... "followers" of the site, if you will. I even got to meet some of you recently, and hope to meet more in the future. As a matter of fact, I have just learned that this month (March 2002) has been, far and away, the most successful month hits-wise in the history of the Emporium. I truly believe that the opportunities ahead of the Emporium are boundless. And, with that spirit in mind, I feel that the time is now right to reveal my true intentions. I implore you, faithful reader, to continue with me by your side as we enter a journey of infinite possibilities. Read on, dear servan... I mean believ... er, let's try that again. Read on, dear person, and behold the awesome power of Willie...

I have decided to start a cult. And believe me, this wasn't an easy decision. I mean, it's a difficult enough decision to join a cult, let alone start one. Hell, just look at the history of cults. While some are nothing more than an excuse for middle-aged men to put on robes and prance around in their basements like Solid Gold Dancers on crack, most have created a great bond within its members, gelled together by their firm belief in that sacred cause of theirs (and their love of beer). Of course, there's always a few sour drops that give the whole bottle a bad taste. These are the simple fucks that believe with their heart of hearts that if they eat each other's shit, they will be entered into the Kingdom of Defakator without incident. Or the hapless souls sold on the belief that if they chop their dicks off and put them in the microwave for thirty seconds, then reattach them on their foreheads, they'll be able to bring John Bonham back from the dead for a killer jam session. No fears though, they always end up killing themselves anyway, thus bettering the human race exponentially.

I can tell you this, my friends. This will be no cult of outlandish, misguided belief. I have faith that our cult will serve as a positive outlet for our free-flowing hopes and dreams to become reality. We are at the gateway of the gods, and we are going to place a burning bag of shit on the front step and ring the doorbell. We will not be ruled by conventional thinking. We will become our own people, a supreme race of Willonites, roaming the landscape in search of truth. And you can be one of us.

For the low, low price of $59.95(*), here's what you'll receive:

- Lifetime(^) membership to the Cult of Willie, including access to monthly meetings, assorted field trips and semi-annual BBQ
- Unlimited access to Muiropme S'eilliw, a top secret website exclusively(#) for cult members
- Monthly newsletter with updates of happenings(+) within the cult
- Limited edition($) Willie CD featuring guest performances by Pearl Jam, Metallica, Tool, System Of A Down, Slayer, Pantera, and many more!
- Free concert tickets(@)
- Commemorative cap and lapel pin
- AND MORE(%)!!!

What are you waiting for, fool? Join the Cult of Willie today!


Here endeth the ePISSle.



* Amount must be paid in Haitian gourdes. No exceptions.
^ "Lifetime" implies until time of death or for three weeks, whichever comes first. No exceptions.
# "Exclusively" implies that access will only be granted to members of the Cult of Willie, and anyone who may find the website through its colourful advertisements in various magazines and billboards has done so purely by coincidence.
+ What Willie ate for breakfast is considered a "happening".
$ The limited edition CD is a compilation featuring the bands listed. Willie does not actually appear on the CD, but is responsible for choosing at least 10 percent of the tracklist.
@ "Free concert tickets" implies tickets to concerts Willie has attended in the past.
% "MORE" indicates anything Willie may see fit to include, such as dust, belly button lint, half-eaten sandwiches, eye crud, etc.