PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 17: It's Okay To Hate Americans Again
Written February 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

Yesterday at work, the announcer who was working the shift after me showed up, and I could tell that something was bothering him. He then informed me that he had read an article on a sports website that kind of pissed him off. Because I went to the website and was unsuccessful in finding said article, I'll not reveal which website or writer is in question. However, I have no reason to believe that my co-worker would make this stuff up. Hey, if you've heard about this, hook a brother up with the URL so I can see it with my own eyes. At any rate, this particular AMERICAN sports writer saw fit to lash out at Canadians over the whole Sale/Pelletier Olympic bru-ha-ha that erupted about a week ago. For those of you who are, indeed, living in a cave, allow me to enlighten you. Basically, we were screwed. Our figure skating pair put on a near-flawless performance, only to be snubbed out of the gold medal in favour of a Russian pair, who just happened to fuck up a portion of their routine. Anyway, an appeal was launched, and it was discovered that one of the judges may have been pressured into voting for the Russian pair. After a four-day investigation, it was announced that Sale and Pelletier were going to also receive gold medals, a small gift to say, "We really, really need to get our asses out of this sling, so here, take these and never speak of this again".

Back to the sports writer. In a column, he wrote something to the effect of, "Those Canadians didn't deserve the gold medals... those Canadians are always whining... blah blah blah fucking blah". The closing of his article was a reference to the fact that even though the Canadian men's hockey team lost their opening match to Sweden, it didn't matter since we were going to appeal it anyway. Well, Mr. Writer, allow me to speak MY humble opinion on the subject...

In case you haven't noticed, Canadians aren't the only people who felt Sale and Pelletier were robbed. Maybe it's because you only watch sports on TV, but surely you've heard about Jay Leno waving a Canadian flag in support of the appeal, and basically being in total aggreeance to the idea that the Canadians deserved gold medals. Hell, it's far from an exclusively Canadian thing. But I completely understand why Americans would side with us, seeing as how a couple of Canadians were the closest things you Americans had to medal contenders in the event. Face it, asshole, if Sale and Pelletier had hauled up stakes a few years back and moved to Maryland, you'd sure as shit have been crying those alligator tears by the gallon (not the litre, that would be wrong).

You know, things were going so well. In the wake of 09/11, we were sympathetic to the Great American Plight, and you warmly recognized us as friends. But now look what you fucking assholes have gone and done. Your president is so high off a small victory in Afghanistan, he's horny for war against anyone who ever said a bad word about anyone in the good ol' U.S. of A. Just a thought, but we haven't had a good old fashioned presidential assassination in about 35 years, so I'd be careful who you call evil, Georgie. You might just find out. And now, some shit-for-head sports writer thinks he's got an entire country pegged as whiners and poor losers. Hey, fuck you, pinhead. I bet if I came down there, gagged you with a moose testicle and shoved a hockey stick up your smelly ass, you'd fucking well complain about it, so don't think you're gonna pass this bullshit off on me. You think you're so fucking tough, America. Yeah, you're the big, dumb, 16-year-old fourth grader shoving all the kindergarten kids out of the sandbox. Way to go, champ. But you know what? This proud Canadian doesn't wanna play in the sandbox anyway, since you've pissed in it so often I can't run a Tonka truck through the fucking thing without mud caking onto the tires. You can keep your ignorance. I'm doing fine without it.

Okay, everybody else, this is where you come in. As soon as I find the particular culprit (er, writer of the article), I'm gonna start pelting his sorry ass with e-mails. And when I do, I'd like you to join with me. Sure, the punk-ass fuckstick has probably seen thousands already, but I figure a few dozen more wouldn't hurt the cause. This asswipe has heard too many old wives' stories. He believes the myth that Canadians are friendly, noble pushovers. Little does Jim Bob know how similar we are to our proud mascot, the mighty beaver. Sure, we're cute and cuddly, and way more artistically talented than everyone else in the forest, but if you piss us off, we're taking fingers, sugar-nuts.

Oh Christ, I got the feeling now. It's time, brothers and sisters. Get out of your chair, stand up in front of that monitor, shoot those devil fingers high in the air and say it with me....

I HAVE NEVER BURNED A CROSS OUTSIDE ANYONE'S HOME OR MADE THEM SIT AT THE BACK OF THE BUS BECAUSE THEIR SKIN COLOUR WAS DIFFERENT FROM MINE

I HAVE NEVER ASSUMED THAT I WAS BETTER THAN ANYONE BASED PURELY ON THEIR INCOME OR STATURE COMPARED TO MINE

YES, WE GAVE YOU BRYAN ADAMS AND CELINE DION, BUT WE ALSO GAVE YOU BASKETBALL AND HOCKEY

THE TRAGICALLY HIP IS SOOOO YOUR LOSS

HALF OF THE SUPERSTARS IN YOUR BELOVED WWF ARE CANADIAN

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE INVENTED THE INTERNET IF WE HADN'T INVENTED THE TELEPHONE

ANY WESTERN EUROPEAN WILL TELL YOU IT WAS US WHO SAVED THE WORLD IN WWI, YOU DIDN'T DO SHIT

PAMELA ANDERSON AND YASMINE BLEETH? THEY WERE OURS FIRST, MOTHERFUCKERS

ALPINE BEER WAS VOTED THE WORLD'S BEST IN 2000

THE COMPETITION WAS HELD IN NEW YORK CITY

PETER JENNINGS IS ONE OF YOUR MOST TRUSTED NEWS ANCHORS

THAT MEANS MANY OF YOU PREFER TO HEAR THE NEWS OF YOUR GREAT NATION... FROM ONE OF US!

THE FUNNIEST MOTHERFUCKERS IN HOLLYWOOD? THEY'RE OURS TOO!

YOU MIGHT HAVE MICHAEL JORDAN, BUT WE'VE GOT WAYNE GRETZKY AND MARIO LEMIEUX

WHEN I BREAK MY LEG, I CAN GET A CAST PUT ON FOR FREE!

SNOOP DOGG LIKES B.C. POT THE BEST

AND, FINALLY...

YOU MIGHT BE THE HOME OF THE BRAVE, BUT GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, WE'RE THE TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE!

I AM ________________, AND I AM FUCKING CANADIAN!!!!

Er... here endeth the ePISSle.