PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 3: Say, Are Those Real?
Written August 2001

Okay, here's the situation...

The fall TV season is upon us, and usually I look forward to seeing all the new shows... hoping to find that proverbial diamond in the rough. And usually there's a show that delivers. Take now classic shows like "The West Wing", "Boston Public", and "Family Guy"... all late 90s premieres that sucked this writer into a habitual viewing cycle. And here we are, in the 21st century, and not one goddamn new show coming out looks the least bit appealing to me. You wanna know why? Two words: REALITY TV.

Okay, let's all collectively admit it, the first Survivor and the first few weeks of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire were phenomenons. And, for a while, they were intriguing. But, like every other good idea ever known to man (besides the ever-unchanged classic family fun game Twister), the masses were treated to endless spinoffs and ripoffs. As far as Survivor goes, the second was never necessary. But, oh, shit, wait a minute, what was I thinking? It made money! And money makes the fucking world go round, so we get Survivor 2, this fall's Survivor 3 and God knows how many sequels will follow. I'm sorry, but I can only watch a group of people strategically plot each other's demise over basic shit like food and water for so long. Then I leave the dinner table and look for something good to watch on TV. No such luck there. The relentless barrage of dogshit reality TV has reached such a heightened point that you have a hard time finding actors. I mean, fuck! Do I give a shit that Coolio is facing the hot seat on Who Wants To Get Out Of Jail Free? Does it make an ioda of difference whether the big-titted conniving slut faces expulsion from the treehouse on Big Uncle Lou 4? And do I really have to watch an over the hill (yet oddly sexy) British woman secure a spot near the front of the food stamp line by rifling off stale insults at Jon Lovitz on Celebrity Dumbest Link?

And it doesn't stop there. NBC reached a new low about a month ago when on its new (s)hit show "Fear Factor" challenged its contestants to eat BUFFALO TESTICLES! What in the flaming fuck is wrong with society when people will voluntarily watch other people eat fucking buffalo balls? Are we that starved for entertainment? Hell, I'll tuck my dick between my legs and do a hula-dance to Megadeth if a network exec will sign me a check so he can plaster it on the WB between Sabrina and Buffy. (That's an intriguing thought in and of itself.)

And has this gargantuan dogshit tidal wave subsided? Fuck no! This fall, we're being treated to even more real-life masterpieces. Like "Lost"... where they take teams of two and drop their asses off in remote areas, from where they have to FIND A WAY HOME. Personally, I think their best bet would have been to simply STAY HOME and not associate themselves with this (understatement alert) horseshit fucking idea. And there's more... take "The Amazing Race". I have no clue what the deal is with this one, but with an unimaginative name like that, it's clearly anything but amazing. Sweet fucking Christ, there's even a reality-based scavenger-hunt type game show being prepped for Fox KIDS! Fucking KIDS! On a reality-based fucking game show!

Well I, for one, have had enough. It's time to put some fucking quality content back on the boob tube, people. And if we can't have some high-end drama (well, TV chef Emeril is getting his own sitcom, I suppose that's tragedy in a way), I propose even MORE reality TV. Yes, MORE! And I've got some sweet ideas to make your standard overplayed nightmare shows more watchable...

SURVIVOR 4: FROM HOLLYWOOD TO THE BACK WOODS

Now, the idea's already been kicking around, with a few sorry fuck actors publicly saying they'd be all for a celebrity edition of the 39-day fantastic voyage. Sure, it's a vain attempt to kick some life into their comatose careers, but I say fair enough. Take 16 of these hapless fucks and airdrop 'em into the northern New Brunswick woodland for 39 days. No cell phones, no cafe latte, no agent, just a few tents, some water and a shitload of mosquitoes. I'd tune in to watch Corbin Bernsen flailing around and squealing like a wounded schoolgirl trying to avoid the black cloud of insects swirling around his punk-ass Hollywood has been head. Added incentive to watch: film during HUNTING SEASON. Host: Shadoe Stevens. He was fucking cool.

BIG SISTER

The execs are wondering why the hell nobody's watching Big Brother 2. Two reasons, fellas: a) the first one sucked fucking monkey balls, and b) there was no sex in the first one. They've tried to rectify the situation with installment two, but everyone who remembers how awful the first one was is steering clear. How to fix this conundrum? Simple: ALL FEMALE CONTESTANTS. There, you've already got a lock on the male viewers, now how to snag the ladies? Simple: WEEKLY CATFIGHTS. Girls, we know you're always up to pop some corn and watch two (or 16) of your own duke it out. Why the hell do you think "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle" was so popular?

ROVER WARS

For my money, some of the best entertainment on television is "Robot Wars". If you haven't seen it yet, do yourself a favor. The problem, though, is this: there's only three or four shows out there exactly like it. So I say we take it a step further. Instead of shelling out upwards of a thousand bucks on robots that are only going to last two or three minutes in the arena, cut your losses and spend a hundred bones on a cocker spaniel or terrier. Two dogs in a cage = carnage and/or fornication, either of which is thoroughly entertaining. Sure, the PETA people would probably be upset, but it doesn't matter since they'll already be cut off from the world, locked up in the Big Sister house. You're welcome.

REHAB

Simple concept: Fred Durst, Lars Ulrich, the Gallagher brothers, and Backstreet Boy AJ locked in a room with 50 pounds of weed, 50 pounds of coke, 50 pounds of hash and 5 kegs of beer. Impose a one hour limit to "get rid of" everything in the room. Whenever someone dies, we win. Happy happy joy joy!

So, in conclusion, I say this, my loyal and happy-go-lucky comrades: Upon its inception, the main purpose of television has been to provide an escape from reality. What fucking good is it, then, to litter the ditches of TV Land with so much reality? If you want reality, for Christ's sakes, take a walk outside! Look around you, it's everywhere! And, no matter where you are, it's at least ten times better than Big Brother.