PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 33: Sound Off!
Originally posted on Great White Noise.com February 8, 2003 - Originally posted on PV site September 2003

Okay, here's the situation...

As anyone who knows me half well can attest, I am a great lover of music. I need not barrage the uninitiated with my history with music, nor do I feel compelled to bore those in the know with the same. Suffice to say that when it comes to rock music, I can more than hold my own, and plenty of people can vouch for that fact. That's why it pisses me off to my crunchy-and-abrasive-yet-strangely-melodic core when I encounter people who claim to be music's soul mate, yet clearly haven't even gotten to second base.

Now, I'm not normally one to pass judgment after reading one or two posts, but this Rick guy is a pretty easy exception as far as I can tell.

However, rather than simply launch a profanity-laced tirade in your general direction for the sake of typing cuss words, allow me to show some good old New Brunswick Hospitality, wherein I shall take a few of your points and offer my counterpoints. It should be duly noted that I am probably going to use some cuss words, but they're really more of a service to my core base of readers and less of a series of cheap shots at your expense. Furthermore, I will apologize to those whom I may offend by way of this post, and do not intend personal harm on anyone, but merely to state the case for myself, and New Brunswick music supporters in general...

Okay, then! First to the gallows...

"Everyone down here is really an amature, walking around pretending to be a rock star. You guys better hope you all have good day jobs, cause none of you are ever going to be able to make a living in the music biz!!"

I'm sorry, but this sounds like a third-rate insult perpetrated by a pimply, scrawny, chronically masturbating 14-year-old douchebag. For starters, if you're going to call someone an amateur, it's probably a good idea to know how to, in fact, spell the word. Furthermore, I personally take great offence to everyone in our local scene being herded into a singular category. If you ever get a spare hour or two away from the Sears catalogue lingerie section, you'll surely find that the members and genres of the scene in New Brunswick are actually quite diverse and, often, original. As for the sadly underthought comment on none of them ever going to be able to make it... if you read the thread you stuck your nose into, you'd know that Fredericton's Since August has a distribution deal through (NB based) Loggerhead Records, a division of... ahem... Universal Music (last I checked, Universal was a major label).

Whew... we're only getting started. Next:

"They only good shows in the East are the ones by Ontario bands coming through on there way to a real gig!!"

Sigh... this is just plain, flat out fucking ignorance. Do you mean to tell us that Ontario is the only province in this great country of ours that has good bands? A word to the wise, jackass: virtually EVERY Canadian band that tours will play dates in New Brunswick! We have also had our fair share of American bands through over the years as well. Admittedly, most of the huge bands won't go east of Montreal, but that's simply due to the smaller population in Atlantic Canada. For virtually any band with more than a couple truckloads of staging, lighting, etc., taking their show to the Atlantic provinces simply isn't financially viable. Let's put it this way: if you had four grocery stores on your block, would you be willing to drive out of town for the same products? Stupid question, right? Well, you gave us a stupid comment. Next:

"No, I'm not going to give names. I don't want to piss them off. Besides, some of them might know who I am. "

Okay... I believe that was your response to someone who asked you to name some Toronto bands you refer to as "coming through on there (by the way, Einstein, it's spelled their) way to a real gig". I might have missed something, but I don't believe anybody was asking you to identify which local bands displeased you so much. But hey! Even if we were curious to learn which NB bands suck so badly, why should you be so afraid to tell us? If you believe so strongly in the poorly formed words that spill out of your mouth like froth from a rabid whore, there's no reason not to say them loudly and proudly. Your above statement only shows me that you're not much above a cowardly, immature shit disturber. What's the matter? Are you scared that an angry mob of local musicians will hunt you down and anally rape you with a mop (janitors... sheesh) until your pancreas is lemony fresh? Rest easy, bucko... New Brunswickers aren't generally like that. We leave the business of being assholes to Ontario. In fact, any time a brutal assault or murder takes place in New Brunswick, the guilty party is usually someone who moved down from... gasp! Ontario. (Now, any blithering fuckwad with half a brain cell and a readable pulse can see that what I've just said isn't true; I said that to give you some sort of idea on how you've pigeonholed the musicians of New Brunswick. Sucks, doesn't it?)

And sweet fucking Christ, you'll probably be back again, with some new outlandish insult! Just do us a favor, Rick... think before you speak. It's a piece of advice as old as Dick Clark's toupee, but it's pretty Goddamn relevant in my eyes.

Oh, and by the way, on behalf of all of New Brunswick's hard working and talented musicians... we're sorry. Yes... sorry. We're sorry we're not based within a stone's throw of a handful of major labels' national HQ. We're sorry our bands don't sound more like Robin' Fucking Hack and the Intergalactic Shitheads, or whatever kind of uninspired dogshit is all the rage in the good ol' T Dot these days. We're sorry our bands don't have preppy assfucks in penguin suits to funnel money to advertising campaigns aimed at convincing brain-dead, Gap-wearing, urban centre dwelling teenage zombies that said dogshit is Golden Grahams. And, most of all... we're sorry that, despite making scores of music lovers here in New Brunswick happy by creating original, engaging music... one pimply, scrawny, chronically masturbating 14-year-old douchebag from Ontario doesn't like what he hears.

Here endeth the ePISSle.