PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 26: Eat My Fuck... In 30 Seconds Or Less!
Written June 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

Let's play a little game of make-believe. I want you to close your eyes... no, wait, you can't close 'em, or you won't be able to read this. Guess you'd better keep them open. Well, okay then, we'll have to milk the old imagination for a minute instead. Just play along, and it'll be over sooner. Now, it should be noted that I'm a man, and as such write from a man's point of view. That said, ladies, don't be offended that I'm using a woman as my metaphor. You can simply take out the word "woman" and replace it with "man"... you know, unless you're into chicks. Then again, maybe you're a guy into other guys. Hell, just play the fucking game, we're not signing up for an orgy partner.

Okay. So you're at this party, right? There's a lot of folks at this particular party, but none of them are particularly interesting. Out of nowhere, you see that chick you knew in high school. Yeah, that's right, the one who wore the Coke-bottle glasses and pigtails, who always wore loose-fitting clothing and never so much as said hi to you. Well, she's certainly come a long way since you last saw her. Now, she's strutting her stuff. Hair down, contacts in, and wearing the slinkiest, tightest dress she could possibly wear without being labelled a slut. And what do you know? She's walking up to YOU. You dog, you. What did you do to deserve this? Who gives a shit, cuz now she's whispering the filthiest shit you've ever heard into your left ear and grabbing at your balls. Holy cockfuck, Batman, she's gonna give it up! What's that? You didn't bring any condoms? No sweat, Chico, she's got a family pack! So you're taking her by the hand down the hallway, with every dude at the party looking at you like you just broke down the Great Wall of China. Hey, I think the junior high geek just came in his pants! But hey, no time to point and laugh, you've got some nasty to do. You lead her into the master suite, and immediately begin preparations, getting hotter and heavier than a 40-ton bag of Hades. She savagely rips off your shirt and caressing your chest for a few seconds before removing that dress and revealing the most stunning body you've ever seen in your entire life, your dad's porno mags included. You gaze in awe, your jaw hitting the floor with a thud loud enough to prompt the other party-goers to yell at you to keep it down. She gives you the bedroom eyes and breathes, "Take me now". You most happily oblige, stumbling out of your cargo pants, slipping on the jimmy hat, and climbing on top. Just as you enter the best lay anyone anywhere has ever had, you hear what sounds like the whir of machinery, then feel your penis being crushed and torn off your body. Before you have a chance to look at the spurting blood, her face splits in two, revealing the most hideous half-snake, half-wolverine head you've ever seen in your entire life, your dad's porno mags included. You gaze in horror and let out a scream loud enough to prompt the other party-goers to yell at you to ease up on her, cowboy. It looks at you with a single, deformed, pus-dripping eye and breathes, "Garkdflowf". You beg for mercy before the creature lunges at you, and with one fluid motion inserts an antenna-like device into your anus, shoving it up through your throat, and extending itself like an umbrella, spraying chunks of your husk over all four walls.

Oh, I'm sorry, I got a little carried away there. But it's a little like what happened to me yesterday at McDonald's. With the moral of that last tale being something like, "The promise of a good thing doesn't necessarily make it so", I submit my conundrum for your approval.

Now, by now you may have heard about the innovation that's won McDonald's soem major points over their competitors. I'm talking about their new 30-second drive-thru guarantee. Basically, they promise to have your order ready and given to you within 30 seconds from the time you pay for it. And, should you have to wait longer than 30 seconds, you'll be appeased with a coupon for a free Egg McMuffin or medium fries, redeemable upon a future visit, in the hopes that you would forgive them for their tardiness. Seems like a great idea, especially since they're promising such rapid service. Well, yesterday I decided to test them. Now, those who know me well know me as carnivore to the core. That means no lettuce, no onions, no tomatoes, none of that veggie shit on my burgers. As such, I always order my quarter pounders without onions. I discovered a long time ago that this is a good way to ensure a fresh-made burger, and you may want to try it sometime. Anyway, yesterday, I hit them with my quarter pounder order. All was going well, as I drove up to the first window, paid with a slight smirk, and advanced to window #2. When I got there, the timer read 15 seconds. I could see them inside, scrambling to get my order processed as quickly as possible, but I had a feeling they were about to fall short. I watched eagerly as the clock ran 27... 28... 29... 30... click!

Now, one would think that they got my order in there just in time. In which case, one would benefit from reading on. The click in question was instigated by the girl (trust me, there are no women working at McDick's, only girls) who took my order, and who was responsible for getting that order to me in 30 seconds or less. So, where the fuck was my food then? It showed up about ten seconds later, without the accompanying coupon, as the girl shoved the food at me with a quick "thank you" and turned away. And I sat with what I'm sure was a priceless look on my face, dumbfounded by what I'd just seen. Had she really thought I was so stupid to not know what was going on here? Obviously, her manager had imposed some sort of medieval torture on those employees daring enough to lag behind, and she was saving her ass by running over and clicking the timer off at 30 seconds. Okay, fair enough. Your company offers a promotion where a patron is rewarded with a coupon if their order isn't given to them in 30 seconds or less, but you also hire employees who would rather risk injury sprinting to the timer at the 30 second mark than hand out some free fries? Very clever, Ronald. Well, I'm telling Mayor McCheese on your clown ass, and if he doesn't send in the proper authorities, I'm sending the Hamburglar after you with an Uzi and/or keeping the Fry Girls tied up in my basement for my personal amusement.

Nah, I wouldn't do something that rash. But, in my own way, I'll make sure you remember what happens when you try to dupe us good, honest, law-abiding folk. And for you kids at home yearning for a fun game the whole family can try, check out Willie's Fuck-Up-McDonald's-Staff Tactics:

1. If your order comes to $5.74, give the cashier $12.23. Watch with glee as he/she struggles with basic math skills.

2. Here's one you can play with a friend. Ask for lots of McChicken sauce with your meal. Make sure your buddy doesn't ask for sauce. Then, cover his/her burger in McChicken sauce. Get buddy to take his/her burger to the cash, furious that this damn sauce is smothered all over his/her burger. Get him/her to demand the right order. Repeat these steps until you're thrown out.

3. Bring your own food, but make sure it's something McDonald's doesn't offer on their menu. For example, a nice, hearty bowl of seafood chowder. Grab a tray, sit down, and start eating. Tell everyone who comes in that they simply must order the McChowder.

4. Get a whole bunch of those little cardboard bug catchers that exterminators use. Hide them all over the fucking place. Sit back and watch.

5. Order a Whopper. They love it when you do that.

And, if all else fails, jack off in your caesar salad. Not to be michievous, just thought you'd prefer the taste of your own semen to that of the greasy-faced putz who put the salad together for you. Oh, and don't forget to fill out a customer comment card. No, wait. McDonald's doesn't have those anymore. Hmmm...

Here endeth the ePISSle.