Helmet - Size Matters Pre-review, song by song

As I reported the other day, Helmet's new album (their first in seven years, slated for September release) is already floating around online, and I managed to snag a copy for myself. 

I'll set up the review with a small tidbit... as I was online last night, Randy Ross (drummer, gNosh) signed onto Messenger.  We talked for a while, and a good chunk of the conversation was regarding this new Helmet CD.  See, I consider myself somewhat of a fan, but Randy is HARDCORE!  Sadly, he's stuck on dial-up for now, so I thought I'd be nice and transfer the first track, "Smart", to him.  45 minutes later, it was downloaded, and he pressed play.  The next message to appear in my window was "OH MY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", give or take an excalmation mark or two.

That was kind of my reaction to "Smart" as well.  But, something was nagging me.  Was I reacting this way because it was so mind-numbingly good as to reduce me to curse words followed by dozens of exclamation marks?  Or, was I reacting this way simply because I was listening to a brand new Helmet song?

In order to give "Size Matters" is due, it should be noted that only Page Hamilton has appeared on previous Helmet releases (guitarist Chris Traynor toured with Helmet in support of "Aftertaste", but wasn't on record).  Joining him on this album, in addition to Traynor, is virtual all-star John Tempesta (most notably skinsman for White / Rob Zombie and Testament) on drums (Traynor also played bass for the record, but the bassist slot is now filled by Frank Bello, formerly of Anthrax.  Skepticism abounds, as whenever the original members are AWOL, it starts to smack of "Page Hamilton solo record".  But, in a sense, the previous three were too (though, admittedly, the rhythm section of Henry Bogdan and John Stanier was quite able).

Which brings us to "Size Matters", and the rock music contained within its 40 minutes of playing time. 

The salvo is the aforementioned "Smart", a straightforward, off-time riff fest that promises greatness.  But then, Hamilton starts singing, and it becomes confusing.  His somewhat monotone tenor of past releases has been ditched in favor of a gruff, scratchy growl.  It's the biggest shock on the album, as it becomes clear quickly that Page has been working on some different styles.  And when he croons on the chorus before launching into a semi-possessed howl, it's abundantly clear that "Size Matters" will not be "Meantime II" by any stretch. 

The rest of the album's ten tracks tread all kinds of territory; and not much of it is familiar, Hamilton instead taking Helmet's sound away from the minions of soundalikes that have worn out their welcomes on rock radio.  "Crashing Foreign Cars", for example, is probably the heaviest song Helmet has ever recorded, bordering on punk rock (and the melodies in the chorus will stick in your head in a hurry). 

Then, there's rumored first single, "See You Dead", a tongue-in-cheek (?) stalker tale with a swinging swagger that seems to channel Queens of the Stone Age and Charles Manson simultaneously.  Throughout, Hamilton seethes, his vocal style bordering on maniacal.  Though, again, there's honest-to-God melody to save it from being overly creepy.  We'll touch on the subject matter a little later.

Next is "Drug Lord", one of the closest returns to familiar territory we're going to find.  By which I mean it's like an old Helmet song, except slower, darker, and with a shitload more melody (oh, and there's a smoking guitar solo).  You know, come to think of it, this is nothing like old Helmet.  But it's extremely fucking good.

Another dirgy tune follows in the form of "Enemy", with its basic drop-D riff and weird little squeals that drop of into a reverbed abyss.  In the verses, Hamilton almost whispers (something we hardly ever hear) before the chorus bombasts the listener with (here's that word again) melody.  Another great moment near the end of the track, with the just-barely audible "oohs" that flow into the chorus.

Next is the only other example of a song on the album that immediately reminds me of another band.  "Unwound" plays out like a Foo Fighters song (at least, for the intro).  It then turns into yet another hook-filled rock track that I pray will be played on the radio.  Again, I must stress the melodies, as they're all over the fucking place.  It's a simple component of music that plays on this record like a long-lost friend.

When the pace picks up again on track 7 ("Everybody Loves You"), it comes off as kind of startling considering the trio of mid/slow tempo tracks that preceeded.  And, again, Hamilton's growl is in effect (and, again, there's sprinkles of melody to polish off the menace in his voice).

Next is the piece de resistance, a fantastic rock song by the name of "Surgery".  The verse riffing , while remniscent of past Helmet glory, takes a back seat to Hamilton's vocals, which are melodic (how many times can I mention melody in this review)?  And, without giving away too much, the chorus might just be the greatest we'll hear this year.

It's hard to follow up a stellar track like that, but the old college try is given on "Speak And Spell".  Melodic riffing caves into a metallic crunch for the verses, but Hamilton's vocals are, once again... you know.  The chorus has a sing-along quality and melody (said it again) that makes a damn fine runner-up for "Surgery".

The tenth track is probably the most Helmet-like on the album (this time, I mean it... I think), with its tasty riff, gruff growl, and off-time drums, with a few weird sounds thrown in for good measure.  In fact, it's all you've come to expect from a Helmet song... until the strangely melodic chorus kicks in.  Then, it's more.

Closing proceedings is "Last Breath", which is honestly the most Helmet-like song on the album, the only differentials from past albums are Helmet's voice, alternating from his tenor croon to his maniacal growl, and the screaming guitar solo.  It plays as a sort of reprise to "See You Dead", lyrically speaking.  But, then again, there's lyrical theme covering the whole album, that I'll now address.

After the aural assault of "Size Matters", if you read the lyric sheet, it damn well looks like a concept album.  Here's the story in a nutshell... keep in mind that it's only my interpretation.

Smart - A drunken man picks up an easy chick at a bar and proceeds to have a one-night stand.  Sample lyric: "Tonight could be / Kept between you and me / I don't need to know your name"

Crashing Foriegn Cars - The man later finds out that the woman was cheating, though she swears she wants to make a relationship work with him.  He degrades himself for falling into her love trap, and cites his failures as a reason for breaking it off.  Sample lyric: "There's a sucker born every other minute, Lord / And he deserves you more / You know I'll only crash this car"

See You Dead - Strangely, the man becomes obsessed with the woman, who's gone back to her old boyfriend.  Losing grip, he begins to stalk her, and fantasizes about killing her.  Sample lyric: "I'm a threat now / Are you scared? / It's just murder / At least you know I care"

Drug Lord - The man goes into denial, dismissing his feelings, and tries to convince himself that she is no good.   Meanwhile, his mind continues to slip.  Sample lyric: "I'd fake my death before I let you in / I am removed / There's nothing left to prove"

Enemies - Having aired out their feelings (possibly in a confrontation), it's made clear that they can never go back to the way they were.  Sample lyric: "I know what you need / I can't tell you lies / And we'll be enemies / The soul is satisfied"

Unwound - Realizing that he is, in fact, in love with her, the man convinces himself that she is only pretending not to love him, and figures she'll come back in time, possibly out of concern for his well-being.  Sample lyric: "So darling, you're starting now / I'll give you time / So darling, you're worrying / I'll be alright"

Everybody Loves You - Growing impatient, the man resumes stalking, and pleads for her to see things his way (to no avail).  Sample lyric: Now your mood is not so good / You don't know what you're after"

Surgery - Resentful at her for making him feel this way, the stalking escalates to the point that he is doing it purely to make her feel as uncomfortable as he is.  Sample lyric: "Are you falling down? / 'Cause I can't help you now / Now you see how it feels"

Speak And Spell - Furious,  impatient, and slipping even further mentally, the man begins to target her boyfriend with verbal assaults.  Sample lyric: "I want to know he's dumb / And he's miserable"

Throwing Punches - It all comes to a head.  Convinced that she is unpure and undeserving of life, he breaks into her house, and a physical and/or emotional confrontation ensues.  Sample lyric: "It's unreal / She'll tell you what you want to hear / Feel her infection / Touch you and you rot"

Last Breath - In the final chapter the woman, kidnapped and brought to the man's house, is tortured and killed.  "You're so worked up / This torture is paying off ... Your last breath on earth is / All I can take"

And there you have it.  Underneath a magnificent musical accomplishment a disturbing, misogynistic tale of love, revenge and murder.  Again, it's only my interpretation, and it could be way off.  Regardless, the subject matter is (in my opinion) only a light tarnish on the blinding, glorious sheen of the metal base that holds it. 

"Size Matters" is in stores on September 14.  If you're intrigued by this review, I strongly urge you to pick this album up.  Whether you're an old school fan of the band like Randy & I, or a new recruit, Helmet has returned, and surpassed, their glory days on an album that puts all of the copycats they influenced firmly into their place.

(****1/2)

I Love Surprises!
 
I guess I've been asleep for the last month or so, because while visiting my usual download site today I noticed a Helmet album called "Size Matters".  Figuring it was a crappy bootleg, I decided to look it up on Google before downloading.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it's not a bootleg but, in fact, a brand spanking new Helmet album!
 
Those of you hard rock/metal fans who haven't heard of Helmet would be well served to pick up a copy of "Meantime" by any means necessary.  Then you can also freak the fuck out at the fact that these guys are about to release their first album in seven years.  Reported official street date is slated for September 14, if you're not one of those pirate assholes like me.  I'll let you know what it's like in a day or nine.  Arrrr!

Experiment A Success!
 
Meant to post sooner, but it kind of slipped my mind.  Anyway, after going to the hospital on Wednesday, I was shocked to find that the doctor on duty actually seemed to give two shits about my neck.  He even asked a few questions about it, got me to touch my toes and shit, and prescribed a muscle relaxer.  Not quite what I was going for, but at least I wasn't shrugged off this time.
 
It goes to show you, folks... the more like a yuppie you look, the better service you'll get.  Try dressing like a slob for a week, go to a bunch of stores and such, and take note of the service.  Then, the next week, repeat the process in a polo shirt and some nice beige slacks.  See how much better you're treated?  That's because, though no one will admit their prejudices, the class system is still fully fucking functional, and if you're not "upper", you're not shit.
 
Happy trails.
 

Attack of the Pinched Nerve II
This time... it's business casual

Yes, the pain in my neck that plagued me for about a month last year has returned. Some of you may recall the ordeal I went through last year when I went to the hospital in hopes of a solution to the problem. Those of you who aren't familiar with these details can read up on it in the Pissing Vinegar entitled "The Pinched Nerve That Became A Social Commentary" somewhere on this site. The Coles notes: I went to the hospital at 4am after being unable to sleep. Dressed in a quickly thrown together ensemble, I threw on a ball cap and left. When the "doctor" saw me, I'm convinced he saw a pill junkie looking for a fix, and practically turned me away at the door.

Anyway, I'm off to the hospital again. Only this time, I just stepped out of the shower, put on a pair of cargos and a golf shirt. I thought that, since I have the opportunity, I might as well have a little experiment in terror. My guess is that, this time, I may get more than a random list of home remedies as a cure to what ails me.

I'll let you know what happens, if and when I get back.

Hollywood Is Officially Out Of Ideas

There's a movie coming out soon called "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle". From imdb.com, the "plot" is as follows...

"Two twenty-something stoner roommates -- one a Korean American investment banker; the other an Indian American medical school candidate -- go through a life changing journey, as they spend a night roaming the state of New Jersey in search of White Castle hamburgers."

They actually fucking made this! Hell, why don't I make a movie chronicling the epic struggle between me and my shit after I ate that no-name bean burrito? I call it "Willie Gets Raging Diarrhea". Get your tickets now!

Random Thoughts
(aka A Lame Excuse For An Update)

This is probably the closest you're going to get to a PV this year...

* I think it's time for you to pick up the new Tragically Hip album, "In Between Evolution". What's that? You already have? Then you know it's so good, you've got to buy another copy.

* What's better than No Name Teriyaki style rice in the microwave? No Name Teriyaki style rice in the microwave with shredded mozzarella mixed in, of course.

* Nickelback still sucks.

* So, the guitarist from Creed already has a new band. Guess what? They sound like Creed... although, minus that drunken pompous ass Stapp singing. So, they're already better than Creed.

* Am I the only one not surprised by Mary-Kate Olsen's entry into rehab? I mean, sweet fucking Christ, are people that gullible these days? Oh my God! A former child star with a coke addiction and an eating disorder! That's NEVER happened!

* Here's the scenario... you're living in a normal neighborhood, beside a normal neighbor. And, though you haven't become friends with this particular neighbor yet, you'll gladly smile and wave as you see him watering the lawn or waxing his Mustang. Then, all of a sudden, you wake up one morning to find your really expensive tool set missing. Ironically enough, your neighbor has been spending a lot more time in his garage working on stuff. Armed with this knowledge, do you... A.) March your ass over there and take back what's yours? Or B.) Ask him if you can build that treehouse for him while he relaxes on the patio with a cold one. If you chose option B, that's kind of like what my job's like right now. I'd go into details, but suffice to say, I'm too busy building fucking treehouses. Oh well, at least I don't have to worry about working more than 25 hours a week to get it built.

* Speaking of which, about a month ago they laid five people off where I work. I figure if the axe falls again, I'll be bleeding in its wake, so I've made a point to show a little attitude over there while I can. That way, if I get canned, I'll at least be able to convince myself that there was a reason, unlike my last termination.

* And, ending on a downer (yay!), family services in Miramichi recently decided that (though I couldn't have possibly been behind more than a couple hundred dollars in my child support payments) they were going to start garnishing $50 per week directly from my paycheck to go toward child support. This came mere days after receiving a letter from the Woodstock office, asking me to call so an agreement could be reached. Typical government warfare on the common man... all of this coinciding with the most recent cut in hours at work. So, basically, with in excess of $200 per week already owed toward my bills, these fat cats decided they wanted a chunk. The problem is, with the lost hours at work, I'm rarely left with much more than $100 each Friday after the government takes their "fair" share. Basic math: what's 100 minus 200?

Surprisingly enough, the credit union (to whom $100 a week is to be paid on a loan) has been completely understanding in my plight, and have even gone so far as to not take their payments (they usually do, automatically, before I see a cent of my check) for the past three weeks. To which I say, get these fucking people seats in the legislature!

Anyway, when I called Woodstock family services, they asked me to fax a pay stub, so they could do some number crunching, and rework my monthly child support payments. I sent the fax, then did the math myself and, based on my current wages, the rate would drop from approximately $140 a month to approximately $60 a month. Which is probably why, though they placed much urgency on receiving my call, nearly three weeks has passed with no decision from their end. I guess they're planning on waiting it out until I win the lottery or something. Meanwhile, my weekly pay continues to come up $50 short every week, when we could have started a more reasonable payment system a couple of weeks ago. Of course, if that were to happen, I may not have to worry about having my car repossessed, failing to come up with rent, having to move back to Blackville without a vehicle (and, thus, no means by which to travel 45 minutes a day each way to work), losing my job, and not having the cash to pay child support. My tax dollars at work.

Incidentally enough, I haven't seen my children in almost four months. This, despite being told not long ago that plans were in place to have the kids brought to see me every two weeks come the end of the school year. Well, school's been out for almost a month, and I still haven't gotten so much as an email outlining said plan. It's not like I expected anything, though. In the nearly two years since they moved to Woodstock, Taya and Ryan have never (at least to my knowledge) been anywhere close to this area. That poses a big problem for me. And, the minute the support payments are straightened out, I'll certainly be looking into this matter with great focus.

A Moment Of Silence...

I have noticed that the old Emporium is now, officially, wiped from the face of the interweb. Which is kind of ironic since, with the new computer, Java is supported... which means I could have updated it now.

Oh well, these cozy confines will do nicely.

P.S. Enjoy the new look, without links or guestbook. Who needs 'em?

PATRIOT ACTOR
Written right now, through the eyes of the average American

Let's get furious, let's get serious for once
We've got every right to sound the alarm
The whole family's walking wounded
But daddy swears he means us no harm

Wear your pride at half mast, your glory 'round your ankles
One eye on the bush, the other on the sky
Red alerts, our tax dollars at work
We're all scared and no one knows why
Happy Fourth of July

Sure, not the most lengthy or cohesive work I've ever done, but what did you expect me to write on the spot, War and Peace?

Willie's Top 40
For the week ending July 2, 2004

LW TW Artist - Title
-----------------------------------------
01 01 Velvet Revolver - Slither
03 02 Incubus - Talk Shows On Mute
06 03 Bad Religion - Los Angeles Is Burning
02 04 Clutch - The Mob Goes Wild
08 05 Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out
05 06 Thornley - So Far So Good
04 07 Powderfinger - On My Mind
10 08 Seether - Broken
13 09 Billy Talent - River Below
12 10 Auf der Maur - Followed The Waves
07 11 The Offspring - (Can't Get My) Head Around You
11 12 Amen - California's Bleeding
15 13 The Darkness - Growing On Me
17 14 Matthew Good - Alert Status Red
09 15 Hoobastank - The Reason
20 16 Steriogram - Walkie Talkie Man
24 17 The Tragically Hip - Summer's Killing Us
14 18 Jay-Z - 99 Problems
18 19 Lenny Kravitz - Where Are We Runnin'?
21 20 New Found Glory - All Downhill From Here
16 21 Jet - Cold Hard Bitch
22 22 Local H - California Songs
19 23 A Perfect Circle - The Outsider
26 24 Division Of Laura Lee - Does Compute
27 25 Slipknot - Duality
30 26 Finger Eleven - Stay In Shadow
33 27 Van Halen - It's About Time
23 28 Lostprophets - Last Train Home
31 29 Fountains Of Wayne - Hey Julie
35 30 Butch Walker - Mixtape
34 31 Lacuna Coil - Swamped
36 32 Monster Magnet - Unbroken (Hotel Baby)
37 33 The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk
29 34 Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades
38 35 Waking Eyes - Watch Your Money
25 36 The Trews - Not Ready To Go
NE 37 Ministry - No W
32 38 The Mars Volta - Televators
40 39 Hatebreed - Live For This
28 40 Secret Machines - Sad And Lonely

ON RADAR:
-------------
The Trews - Tired Of Waiting
Secret Machines - Nowhere Again
311 - First Straw
Lostprophets - Wake Up (Make A Move)
Jet - Rollover DJ
Hoobastank - Same Direction
Burning Brides - Heart Full Of Black
Future Leaders Of The World - Let Me Out
Rush - Summertime Blues
The Weakerthans - The Reasons
The Icarus Line - Up Against The Wall
Breach of Trust - Edge Of Summer
Matt Mays - Where Am I Going