PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 15: Your Tax Dollars Hard At Work
Written January 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

Normally, you'll never hear me bitching about the government. I usually like to keep a rather apathetic view toward all things political, and I've always upheld the belief that as long as they don't literally come to my house, break down the door, hold me down, fuck me in the ass and steal my wallet, whoever's in charge is generally okay by me. But that changed this week with the shitstorm that started brewing on high-speed regarding New Brunswick's bylaws. Turns out the bylaws in virtually all of the province's communities are written in english, a fact that (needless to say) pisses off french people. And because one french person complained, we've got to translate all of the bylaws into french. Now, I have nothing against french people at all. Hell, most of them have gone out of their way to learn to speak basic english, and I applaud their work ethic when it comes to that. I can't stand to order a burger and fries in french, let alone master all the fundamentals of the language of love, so bravo to you, mon freres.

Anyway, here's what burns my ass here. The provincial government is going around saying, "okay, since the court has told us we have to, we'll translate the bylaws into french, but Ottawa has to help us pay for it". Pay for it? How fucking expensive could it be? According to Lord & co., millions upon millions of dollars. I say, what the fuck is up with that? You've got these bylaws, you've got 35% of the population fluent in french, TRANSLATE THE FUCKING THINGS!!! End of story! Did you carve the fucking things in marble before? How in the fuck is translating a bunch of documents from one language to the other such a costly burden? Hell, I'll go back to french immersion, master the fucking language A du Z, and I'll do it for a couple hundred grand. Christ al-motherfucking-mighty! Oh, they say they have to hire all these bigshot lawyers to make sure it's all word for word, but hellfire and brimstone, you don't have to spend our fucking education budget on this shit! I'm sure there are a few nurses in New Brunswick who'd gladly take the job, if only they could get the fuck out of the hospital for five minutes. What about construction workers? Nah, they wouldn't do it. These are people who spend six months out of the year leaning on shovels... when there are perfectly good trucks to lean on right beside them!

While we're on the subject of taking taxpayer's money and using it to roll joints (let's face it... somebody over there's gotta be on the ganja), let's talk about the boatload of useless surveys and studies our government pulls on us, one after another. Every other day, the results of some stupid-ass survey are released, and it's never anything remotely important. For example, this week the results of a study were released that indicated cigarettes labelled "light" or "mild" or "low fat"... you get the idea... are still hazardous! Mind you, they defended it by saying they actually needed these results in their crusade to remove such misleading words from cigarette packages. Well, I just did a study of my own, and it didn't cost millions of dollars. Matter of fact, it was completely fucking free. A couple of my co-workers smoke "light" cigarettes, so I asked them both: "Do you believe smoking 'light' cigarettes means you're safe from cancer, emphesyma, and all the other deadly ailments linked to cigarette usage?" Guess what? They both answered NO. There ya go, Einstein. Do you really think people are that fucking stupid? That they really think, "if I smoke 'light' cigarettes, it'll help me live longer"? Do you government assholes really think people are wondering why "light" cigarettes aren't sold in drugstores, right between Vitamin C caplets and Metamucil? They know they're still gonna die. I mean, fuck, they didn't go to the store thinking they were buying Popeye cigarettes (though I'd imagine if you chowed down a pack of those a day, you'd die of a sugar overdose long before you would catch a case of cancer smoking the real thing).

It's like this, bigwigs. We're not imbiciles. We don't need a six-month study into why it hurts when we stick our fingers into the fan. What we do need is a better health-care system. What we do need is more security in our airports. What we do need is a leader who realizes that while you've gotta spend money to make the car run better, it's incredibly fucking stupid to buy a $2000 stereo while the floorboards are rusting out.

Join me, citizens. It's time to stand up. It's time for change. It's time to turn New Brunswick into what we always knew it could be... the greatest place on Earth. I am Willie, and with your support we can truly make a difference. Vote for a better way of life. Vote for dreams made reality. Vote for the future. Vote Willie.

...what do you mean, there hasn't been an election call?... 2003? Aw, Christ. I guess until then, we'll have to unlock our doors, keep our wallets out on the kitchen table and our pants around our ankles. Hang in there, bucko... this won't hurt a bit.

Here endeth the ePISSle.