PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 19: How To Win A Grammy
Written March 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

As if I have to tell you, the Grammys are a crock of shit. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for U2 winning a shitload of awards, because they truly deserve to be rewarded for their excellent work as of late. And yes, Alicea Keys, though not necessarily my cup of tea, is definitely a great new talent (she's hot, too). My beef isn't with any of the artists fortunate enough to win these "prestigeous" awards. My beef is with the Grammy philosophy. The awards themselves are a joke, yet so much emphasis is placed upon them. A Grammy has been dubbed the most important award a musician can get, yet so many deserving artists go unrecognized. That's why I've decided to let all you budding superstars get a leg up on the competition. Read on, dear artist. You're about to be huge.

WILLIE PRESENTS: HOW TO WIN A GRAMMY

Step 1: Establish Your Coolness
It's easy enough to grab a Grammy nomination if you're already a well-established artist (see: U2). Unfortunately, if you're reading this, you're not well-established. Here's what you need to do. First off, pick a genre. Take note that if you are recording an album that is the slightest bit affiliated with hard rock or rap, your chances of winning the big one are already diminished by 90%. Furthermore, if you do luck out and win a Grammy while being a hard rock or rap artist, you won't establish yourself anyway, since your award will be presented "before the show", and your acknowledgement of winning said award will be in the form of a split-second screen shot, planted during a low point in the telecast like some sort of bastardized subliminal message saying, "Metal bad. You love Babyface". That said, to increase your chances, I'd suggest going with a pop base. Expand on that base by choosing a second genre to fuse with pop, and thus setting yourself apart from the rest of the bubblegum ass pirates that currently infest the music industry ocean like a tanker-load of PCP's. Looking at the latest trends, I'd definitely take a look at bluegrass as your second genre. However, keep in mind that since bluegrass is making a comeback, someone else has probably already thought of this idea in the time it took you to read this far. So, you'd better throw in some jazz while you're at it. Okay, we're almost ready for Step 2. But before we get there, it's important to note that just recording some pop-bluegrass-jazz music isn't going to cut it. You have to prove that you're cool. Here's where the media comes in. Empty out your life savings to pay off a few of the more gullible music editors out there. Rolling Stone and Billboard are a great start, but it's not enough. Go after some of the more popular online entertainment services with music editors. Here at home, go for Muchmusic (that George Snuffalupagus will jump on any bandwagon if you promise him it'll make him cooler). Stateside, you'll want to hit the major-market radio stations. One in New York, one in L.A., and one in St. Louis. "St. Louis?!" you say. Well, studies show that many of the biggest hits in history have gotten off the ground at some punk-ass station in a secondary U.S. city. I figure St. Louis is due to break out any time now. Okay, once you have your team of media cronies in check, the buzz will carry you to a record contract faster than you can say "artist entrapment". We're ready.

Step 2: Sell A Couple Million Records
This one's pretty much a gimme by now, but you still have to play the game. Make sure you let any of the current "hot producers" in on at least one of your tracks. Simply, take a look at the top of the pop chart. Whoever produced that song is the one you're gonna want. There, you've done it. That out-of-nowhere smash song that's going to crank out of St. Louis and spread like the clap all the way to the top of the charts. Studies show that there are a shitload of stupid crack-smoking teenagers out there who'll buy whatever piece of dogshit sits at #1, as long as they're promised it'll make them cooler. But hey, obviously, they will be. After all, it's your song. Sit back and wait for a phone call from the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). Within a month, you'll get that phone call, along with it verbal confirmation that you have gone platinum. Congratulations, skippy. You've passed Grammy's first requirement.

Step 3: Get Ready For Your Close-Up
Here's where it starts to get hectic. Sweet fucking Christ, you're the hottest thing out there right now, and everybody wants a piece of you. This is the hardest step of them all, because if you fuck this one up, you can kiss Grammy goodbye. This means no trouble with the law (unless you're Eminem... but you're not, so put away the 12 gauge, Puffy). You have a neat, wholesome, squeaky clean image to uphold, so no lapdances and chronic binges for the next few months, okay? Trust me, this will be worth it in the end. Do a few magazine interviews (naturally, start with the ones you've paid cash to in exchange for an "honest portrayal" of yourself). Whichever one is highest profile will be the biggest benefactor, for you will share your "dark secret" with them. Warning: the abused child thing has been way overdone. Everyone in the business has been fucked by their uncle, so you're not going to impress anyone with your "dad yelled at me" story. Go for their hearts instead. Here's how it was. When you were nine, you witnessed with your own two eyes your little sister being mauled to death by a bear, and the only thing that got you out of the forest unharmed was your overwhelming faith in God. Hey, you're triple platinum now! That was the perfect story. It turned on the waterworks all across the land, and there's no way in hell Carson Daly's gonna want to go there when you make your exclusive TV appearance on TRL. We're almost there, sunshine, don't bail out on me now!

Step 4: Do Not... I Repeat, DO NOT TOUR!
Instead, do your few select television appearances and nothing more. If there's anything the Grammy folks like, it's a "very special performance" (especially after the 20% dip in ratings this year... think they'll be calling Eminem back for next year?). They'll be after you like a pack of starving wolves. After 25 unreturned phone calls (don't worry, they WILL call that often), finally give them a confirmation about three days before the Grammy nominations are to be announced. You just got yourself six nominations! What a happy surprise!

Step 5: Choose Your Performance Slot Wisely
Which would you rather win: Best Liner Notes or Best Album? Exactly, so don't settle for a performance in the first half-hour. Say you want to perform five minutes before the Best Album award is handed out. Statistics show that most Grammy winners receive their award within five minutes of performing on the telecast. The Grammy folks like that, it cuts down on the time it takes for a winner to walk up to the stage, seeing as how you'll be conveniently already just behind the stage when the winner is announced.

Step 6: The Final Bow
Should you win other awards previous to the Big Moment, kindly thank all the people who made your success possible (just keep it to under 20 seconds, or the band will start playing). Thank God at least once, and don't forget to dedicate the first one to your dearly departed baby sis. But when the final, most important award, is handed to you, let those brass-ring grabbing motherfuckers have it. I have alreday prepared your acceptance speech. Use it word for word...

"Wow, this is so unexpected. Who'd have thought that having performed five minutes ago, that I could possibly win this award? I certainly didn't. I mean, this never happens. The Grammys are a noble institution, and to think that they might be in the least bit fixed... well, that just makes perfect sense! (pause) God damn, man... hey, maestro! Can the fucking tuba, I'm not fucking finished yet! This has all been a fucking hoax! Willie told me it'd work, and Christ almighty, he was right! You people are all fucking suckers! Fuck you all! You shallow mallcore cunts! This industry is dogshit! Fucking manufactured, regurgitated dogshit! I HATE my music! But you stupid, yogurt-eating motherfuckers bought it by the truckload! (to the band) SHOVE THAT CELLO UP YOUR ASS, I'M NOT FINISHED! (to security) GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! I'M A SUPERSTAR! By the way, I fucked Britney Spears AND Jessica Simpson last weekend. Yeah, we were in Rio, blown out of our fucking minds on coke and ecstasy! And let me say, Britney, you give some fine head, but your pussy's a wind tunnel! You might want to cut down a little bit of that rainforest too, if you know what I mean. (to the band) YEAH, YOU HIT THAT CYMBAL ONE MORE TIME, FUCKFACE, I SAW YOU LOOKING AT ME BACKSTAGE WITH LOVE IN YOUR EYES AND SHIT IN YOUR PANTS! (to security) THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU, GUIDO! (to the crowd) FUCK THE GRAMMYS! FUCK THE RECORD INDUSTRY! FUCK THE CORPORATE WHORES! AND FUCK YOU!!!

...sure, you'll never win another Grammy, but at least you're 14 times platinum.

Here endeth the ePISSle.