PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 1: A Star Is Born
Written July 25, 2001

Okay, here's the situation...

Normally, I will keep my opinions to myself on some topics. I feel that what's already been said about these certain topics is doing the job well enough. But this time, I simply couldn't help but stick my nose into the business til I couldn't smell anything but steaming dogshit.

So anyway, let me lay the groundwork for this bitchfest...

Yesterday (July 24), we received the new NSync CD in the mail. No big deal, sure, but myself and Dok figured, what the hell, let's give it a quick listen.

In my completely UNbiased view, WHAT A PIECE OF DOGSHIT!! You should know what you're in for by glancing at the cover... here's NSync walking down a red carpet surrounded by adoring fans and press. Every one of them is stuck in some kind of mannequin-with-Downs Syndrome pose... the fans and press have cheesy poses too. Then you put the damn thing in the stereo, and it's all so fucking brutally cheesy you just have to shake your head. And the LYRICS... Sweet Baby Jesus, they're HORRIBLE!!! Take a sample from the future smash hit "Girlfriend":

Why don't you be my girlfriend
I'll treat you good
I know you hear your friends when they say you should
'Cause if you were my girlfriend, I'd be your shining star
The one to show you where you are
Girl, you should be my girlfriend

Let me tell you something... I wrote the SAME FUCKING SONG... in GRADE SIX. But for NSync, at this stage in the game, it doesn't matter, because they all fucking knew that no matter how vile this album was, it was guaranteed to go platinum within a few hours of release. Well, the end is near, boys, and I have a logical explanation for it...

When NSync released "No Strings Attached", it went huge... because it transcended age and gender. Okay, age anyway. Middle aged people, old people, and toddlers were all over it, not to mention the legions of brain-dead teenage girls who think if they would only buy one more t-shirt or poster, all five of the boys would gangfuck them as a sign of gratitude. The music had an inexplicably universal appeal to it. HOWEVER... this new album, in addition to being the worst excuse for a major label release I have ever heard in my entire life (yes, it IS worse than Smashing Pumpkins' Adore), is also geared more toward the club scene. Hell, they even suckered up-and-coming DJ B.T. into thinking that contributing to one of the tracks was a good idea (that track was Pop, and it most certainly was NOT a good idea). As such, middle-aged people aren't going to like it. Old people aren't going to like it. Toddlers aren't going to like it. Hell, the people who bought "No Strings Attached" because it had good songs (no accounting for some people's taste) on it aren't going to like it either. And all that's left is a legion of brain-dead teenage girls who, after subjecting themselves to this cesspool of so-called musical compositions, are going to DEMAND to be gangfucked...

And all this not two weeks after we learn that one of our beloved Backstreet Boys has a little drinking problem (be a MAN, A.J. ...Van Halen needs a singer) <---JOKE!! ... Yes, my children, the demise of pop is well at hand. And not even Michael Jackson himself will be able to quell the tidal wave of public disgust that is rising up among us at this very moment, eminating from near-empty dance floors and teenage bedrooms with sun-bleached pearly smiles on the posters. From car stereos that, if they had minds of their own, would surely be embarrassed by what it's being forced to transmit. And, as always, from the websites of twenty-something radio personalities who are devoted to the purpose of transmitting loud and clear how pissed off they are that they have to pretend to actually LIKE this drivel when they really, really, REALLY rather be playing Pearl Jam.