PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 25: Take A Flying Leap, Bobby Clarke!
Written May 2002

Okay, here's the situation...

I consider myself a pretty big fan of the Philadelphia Flyers. This has been the case for about four years now, and over the course of time I've collected the jersey, cap and miscellaneous other items to prove it. My colours, if you will, are now proudly displayed. However, being a Flyers fan certainly has its downfalls. I get weird looks everywhere I go, and those brazen enough to voice their displeasure with my choice of team almost always come up with the same line. I heard that line while waiting for my medium double-double at Tim's. I've heard it while taking a piss in the pub washroom. I hear it every day. They all tell me that Bobby Clarke is an asshole. Like I didn't fucking know that. For the uninitiated, Bobby Clarke is the former star and current general manager of the Flyers. Oh, and he's an asshole. Let's put it into perspective.

This is a guy who fired Roger Neilsen when it was discovered he had cancer. Fired! Don't give him sick leave, you fucking assclown. That might be something Christ would do. Speaking of firing coaches, Clarke also pulled Craig Ramsay's punk card partway through the 2000-2001 season. Was the team not winning? Quite the contrary, they were doing very well. But uh-oh, not enough penalties being called, so you're gone, Ramsay. What the fuck is this logic? Look, Cocke, just because your current team isn't as fucking dirty and underhanded as you were, it's no excuse to fire a coach with a winning record!

And then there's the whole Lindros saga. Anyone who knows hockey a little bit knows what went on there. But I doubt if anyone truly understands. All monetary issues and team allegiances aside, I'll tell you why Lindros wanted out of Philadelphia. Guess what? BOBBY CLARKE'S AN ASSHOLE.

And then you fast forward to this year's playoffs. As of this writing, the Ottawa Senators have Philly on the ropes, leading their opening round series 3 games to 1, Philly's only goal in those four games being a weak backhand that somehow fooled Patrick Lalime (who otherwise has obviously been outstanding). Now, there's a lot of talk going on about something big happening behind the scenes in Philly. They're speculating that the players don't like Roman Cechmanek, their starting goalie, and that they'd rather be playing in front of backup Brian Boucher. They talk about how the Flyers have struggled down the stretch, and that they're out of gas. Some hapless fucks have taken it out on poor John Leclair, who hasn't fully recovered from back surgery. I say we take a few of these Leclair-bashing motherfuckers, tie 'em to the corner, and send in Scott Stevens to teach 'em about back problems.

At any rate, have you noticed that everyone's talking about how poorly the Flyers are playing, and no one is talking about how well the Sens are playing? This is where you say, "Gee, Willie, I think you're on to something here". Quite simply, the Sens are outplaying Philly in every department. What you've got to realize is that the Sens have something to prove here. They're known as playoff choke artists (one could argue the same point for Philly, but at least they've made it to the finals in recent years). The Sens are in high gear, and they're working the trap to perfection. And Jacques Martin, like him or not, has more know-how behind the bench than Bill Barber does (I profusely apologize to those who don't watch hockey, this will be the last column about the sport). Bottom line: THE SENS ARE PLAYING BETTER HOCKEY. Can we give these fuckers a little credit?

This all brings me to the next part of my little spiel. People have asked me, "Why don't you cheer for a Canadian team?" Well, truth be told, I used to be a Habs fan, until the 1994 playoffs (this is where you say, "What playoffs?"). My favorite player has always been John Leclair, and I love the way he played in Montreal. So, after the Habs hit rock bottom, I spent a few years cheering for no one. Then, in 1998, I decided to root for someone. Naturally, I went where Leclair was. So that's why I became a Flyers fan. As for why I abandoned the Habs... aside from the mediocrity that tainted their play in the mid 90's, I realized that it wasn't so much the team that I hated as much as their fans. These arrogant fucks with the firm belief that if the Habs won a game, it was because they were great. And if they lost, it was because they didn't win. Anythign but give credit to the better team on that night. So as to think that the Habs controlled their destiny, and every once in a while they had to let another team get the two points. As for Leafs fans? They're worse! I work with a Leafs fan, I know. When the Islanders tied the series last night, I asked my co-worker what he thought about it. His response? The Leafs need to rest their players... blah blah... They wanted to make it a series... blah blah... If it goes seven games, the Leafs get more revenue... blah blah... Well, how about that? Here are the Leafs, holding the key to victory in their grasp, and all this time they've been toying with the Islanders. Riddle me this, assfuck: If the Leafs have had this great power in their possession, how come they haven't won a cup in over 35 years? Give the Islanders some fucking credit! And stop bitching about the officiating, because that officiating won you the first two games of the series. And put a muzzle on that Darcy Tucker freak. He's scaring the children.

Anyway... the reason for this rant has just become clear. I'm not going to bitch anyone out (although I sincerely think Bobby Clarke should be slipped a couple of sleeping pills in his Coca-Cola, then taken to an abandoned garage, then have him awakened by the aroma of gasoline fumes and see his right ear on the floor in front of him and Michael Madsen dancing around him singing "Stuck In the Middle With You"). Quite simply, this isn't the year for my boys, and I will be the first to concede defeat to the better team. I'll move on with my playoffs, rooting for teams that will surely provide more entertainment than I've been subjected to thus far. And who knows? The Saku Koivu story has been intriguing... maybe I'll throw some support behind the Habs. And, as long as we don't end up with a Phoenix/Toronto final, I think I'm going to be okay.