PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 32: Don't Blow Smoke Up My Ass!
Written August 2003

Okay, here's the situation...

I have been a smoker for ten years. And not just of the mild, smoke a few when I'm drinking variety... I mean SMOKER. There have been days when I've smoked a pack and a half, without even the slightest presence of alcohol. I guess I'm what some would call a quote-unquote "hardcore smoker".

It's not that I've never tried to quit, because I have, on several occasions. Once, I went four days without a sniff of smoke, only to reach a proverbial fork in the road, where I had two choices: a) buy a pack of cigarettes, or b) choke a poor, defenseless motherfucker. I chose the safe route, and polished off my Tool Zippo for another busy summer.

Regardless of whatever babbling I may be dishing out, there is a point. You see, I'm one of those guys who gets a little irate if he goes too long without a cigarette. Mind you, if I can keep myself occupied with something that is interesting or excites me, I can push my cravings far enough into the back of my mind that I maintain my normal level of cool. But, there are a few things that trigger those cravings and amplify them to 11...

1) When I'm bored, with absolutely nothing to do, I want to smoke.

2) When I'm driving in my car, I want to smoke.

3) When I've just finished a good meal, I want to smoke.

and 4) When I'm told NOT to smoke, I want to smoke.

Number four is the ding-ding we've got a winner as far as this rant is concerned. And it's absolutely true. Whenever I see an anti-smoking commercial on TV, my first reaction is to have a cigarette. Shit, show me a blackened lung and I'll spark one up, because obviously someone's done a better job of blackening their lungs than I have, and I'll be damned if I'll let some nameless putz gain notoriety and fame in MY fucking presence.

With all of these things in mind, I'm coming around to the meat of the matter... these Goddamn stupid fucking anti-smoking bylaws that have sprung up around the country like a cancer (pun was sure-as-shit-from-a-cat intended).

First off, want to make it very clear that I have no animosity for non-smokers. You've made your life choice, and I applaud you for it. Hell, if I'd chosen the same path, I'd be feeling much better today. So, no, I'm not here to riff on those whose lungs shine with a healthy pink glow. I'm here to riff on the fascist-like thugs who put these laws into place, under pressure from a few unfortunate fucks with a light cough.

See, here's how I see the chain of events to these laws getting put into place.

Step 1: Man X opens his drinking/dancing establishment, Bar X. At the same time, Man Y opens his drinking/dancing/NON SMOKING establishment, Bar Y. Everything's cool.

Step 2: Patron A and Patron B want to drink and dance. Patron A is a smoker, while Patron B is not. However, upon reaching Bar Y, it's revealed that it's nearly empty. Goddamn, everyone is at Bar X!

Step 3: Man Y begins to get angry over his lack of business. He sets out to find people like Patron B who, despite hating the smell of smoke, won't go to Bar Y since nobody ever goes there.

Step 4: After Man Y is forced to close Bar Y due to lack of interest, he devises an evil plan, gathering up hundreds of signatures from people like Patron B, supporting anti-smoking bylaws.

Step 5: Seeing it as "scoring points with the voters", the powers that be bring the proposal into the Land of Law. Thousands of smokers voice their disgust, but at least Man Y and Patron B are happy.

Okay, I blew it a little out of proportion. All I'm really trying to say is that, while there are a lot of non-smokers out there, who the fuck decided to give them all the power? I'm sick and Goddamn tired of feeling like a criminal every time I light a cigarette! It's not like I'm killing everyone with my one cigarette. and hold your arguments that second-hand smoke is deadly, and second-hand smoke is this and that... the fact of the matter is this... if a person doesn't like smoke, they shouldn't stick around! What, is that some sort of radical thinking? How dare I tell someone to leave, it's a free country... EXACTLY.

As a smoker in Canada, I can no longer smoke while I enjoy my coffee at the local Tim Horton's; I have to go outside. As a smoker in Canada, I can no longer take a break from shopping to sit on a bench and have a cigarette; I have to go outside. As a smoker in Canada, I can no longer take my lit cigarette into the conveniene store where my buy my fucking cigarettes; I have to go outside. And this is only Miramichi, where the bars are yet to be targeted! If I were in Fredericton, I guarantee you I would have given in to violence by now. Hell, even on my recent visits to Fredericton, I've noticed a few people giving me dirty looks while I was SMOKING OUTSIDE!

Quite simply put... as a smoker in Canada, the only place that I can smoke without getting condescending looks from passers-by, or someone telling me to "put that out", is in my own home. And that, my friends, pisses me off royally.

See, a lot of these anti-smoking activists are drunk with power, now that they've gotten taxis, airplanes, government buildings, malls, stores, and bars. Now, they want more. A part of me thinks that they won't be satisfied until the manufacturers stop producing cigarettes. Period. Because, shit, they're still not happy! And why the fuck shouldn't they be? They can now go virtually anywhere without the inconvenience of smelling smoke. Isn't that fucking enough? What the hell is next? Should I bolt the door and hide under the bed, expecting a visit from the police when the first small puff of smoke escapes under the door and goes out into your world? Denis Leary said something similar to that ten years ago, and it seemed kind of ludicrous. Not so here in 2003. It's pretty fucking close to reality, if you ask me.

The point is... if you don't want to smoke, or be in the presence of smoke, that's perfecly okay, and you've got every right to breathe fresh(er) air. But, when I want to have a smoke, where can I go? Outside? And watch people I don't even know turn their noses up at me? All I'm saying is "give us a section", or "let us at least have a nice closed-in area outside, where we can still hear the band". Where the fuck did MY rights go?

This should sum it up pretty nicely... a friend of mine who works at a call center (and a smoker) was relating this to me the other day. Last summer, at his place of work, a lot of non-smokers began to complain, because the building's smoking area was in the front of the building, and they had to walk through a few wafts of smoke on their way to work. The solution? Build a deck out back, and hide all the smokers there like a bad secret. This was done, and all was okay... until this summer. According to my friend, the non-smokers are complaining again. You're thinking, "what could they possibly have to complain about now?" Well, as it turns out, NOW the non-smokers want a section of the smokers' deck, so they can enjoy their lunch outside without being inconvenienced by smoke". I say BULLSHIT! These fucking people have a huge, air-conditioned dining room in the building where they can stuff their faces. But, let's say for the sake of argument that the non-smokers get their way. Do you think they'd go for the idea of reserving a part of their cool, sheltered dining room so smokers can enjoy a cigarette without the inconvenience of having to go outside? Unfuckinglikely.

In closing, I appeal to non-smokers. I do respect that you want to live, it's not too much to ask. But, believe me, you've taken more than enough away from us. Call it a day, for fuck's sakes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I left a cigarette burning in the crawlspace.

Here endeth the ePISSle.