PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 7: And You Already Thought You Knew Everything...
October 2001

Okay, here's the situation...

Have you ever been to, say, a party... or just an informal gathering... or basically in any type of setting where you're forced to talk to people you didn't know or, until that function, had never previously associated with those people?
Okay, then... now, think about your area of expertise. You know, that one subject (for some people, two... tops) at which you really, really excel? I mean, you know this shit inside out, and nothing anyone can say can ever make you sound dumb when this subject is topic of discussion.
Still with me? Okay... NOW imagine some punk-ass, whackjob, bullshit motherfucker who claims to excel in that SAME area of expertise, but you absolutely positively 110% KNOW they don't have a goddamn clue what they're talking about.

Anyone who knows me even half-well knows that when it comes to music, I am the motherfucking man. And no, that statement was not ego-driven. However, as I like to say, when you're as I am you're allowed to be cocky. Well, I recently happened to meet someone who was, in his own mind, even more than an expert on music than I was. And, at first, who was I to dispute? After all, I had never met this person previously, and was genuinely quite thrilled to be in the presence of someone who may be able to carry on a valid, in-depth, downright philosophical conversation on the state of all things tunage.
So, it was much to my chagrin that this person (who happens to be employed in the music industry as well) was fucking CLUELESS. I mean, this sorry sap wouldn't know music if it jumped up from the Mississippi River and gave him such a forceful muddy slap in the soup-coolers that the fucking notes floated around his punk-ass cranium for weeks.

By now, you're probably thinking, "Christ, Willie, what did this guy DO to you?!" Well, kids, it's like this. He claimed a certain well-known rock band (of which this writer happens to be a fan of) had recruited a new singer, and that an album was on the way in about a month. Me, I figure the guy must have been swiss, there were so many holes in the story. Two main reasons I knew it was bullshit... a) the band just released an album, with their original line-up, three months ago, and not even Radiohead releases albums four months apart; and b) the reason the band had gotten this new singer: the old singer DIED. Ex-fucking-cuse me, but I work in a business with two main purposes... MUSIC and INFORMATION. Does this guy think he's so knowledgable that HE finds out about a major rock star dying before the MEDIA?! No motherfucking way. If he'd croaked, I'd bet my last dime I'd hear about it soon enough after it happened that I don't have to be informed of it so far after the fact that a replacement had already been hired, not to mention the fact that they already had a fucking album in the can.

But that, my friends, that was not the worst of it. Not only was this putz obviously extremely mistaken, he tried to push the story as truth so forcefully he refused to believe otherwise. He even went so far as to claim the last album MUST have come out at least a year ago, when I was at the record store on June 19 of this year, the DAY it was released.

Anyway, the point of this particular rant is not to bitch out one person (although I really bet this guy wishes he'd found out a little about what I do before trying to bullshit his way into the musical Menza in my presence). The point is, people who claim to be experts on everything are fucking liars. That's not to say there aren't people who know A LOT about several things. Many of you reading this article are very intelligent people (I mean, duh, you chose to come to MY website). It's just that sometimes, these self-proclaimed dealers of eternal wisdom desperately need a couple of 5-Star Frog Splashes and side order of Russian Leg Sweep to keep them grounded. Hell, even your old pal Willie needs a Shooting Star Press every once in a while. Do you really think I stand up to Earl & Clapper in that General Manager-calibre hockey summit? Sweet fucking Christ, no! I'm already in last place in the office hockey pool! But what it boils down to is this: pick a topic, and make it yours. You're not solving all the world's problems, and your brain isn't God-sized. Remember, you don't have to be the centre of every discussion (I know someone who tries desperately to have input on every conversation... he'll just jump in out of nowhere and turn into the topic's self-appointed Christ... he once told me 'Tomb Raider' was a great movie... THREE WEEKS before it opened in theatres!). When your topic comes up, you'll be the one people listen to for the soundest advice and opinions. Hell... why do you think people come to me for quilting tips?

Here endeth the ePISSle.