PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 39: THREE APPLES HIGH
(Yes, this really IS a PV!)

Okay, here's the situation...

Is it just me, or is the modern music scene turning into a junior high dance? I mean, hell, it's always been common knowledge that the music industry's number-one target demographic has been teenaged girls (which makes me wonder about all those old men in suits), but ever since Britney experienced her well-publicized growth spurt, every bright faced, shiny eyed teenage girl who can carry half a tune is finding herself with a record contract. And let's face it folks, it's getting pretty pathetic when you have a hard time naming a female star of any Disney-produced TV series that DOESN'T have a deal with a major record label.

Between Avril, Hilary, Lindsay, and all the others, a self-respecting soon-to-be-28-year-old man like myself is starting to feel really dirty if he watches Muchmusic for more than five minutes, because these pint-sized primadonnas are fucking everywhere! Whatever happened to the days when girls this age were relegated to Mini-Pop duty? Now, we're putting them center stage, handing them fifty backup dancers and a headset, and telling them to smile for daddy. It's fucking sickening.

And hey, it wouldn't be so bad if a couple of them actually had talent. But they're all the same fucking person to my ears, with a few very subtle differences to throw the public off. Think about it; Avril was the anti-Britney, and sold a fuckload of records. Hilary Duff was the innocent child, and sold a fuckload of records. Fefe Dobson was the black one, and didn't sell nearly as many records as Avril or Hilary. Linsay Lohan is the Hilary Duff copycat, and thus providing the few teenage girls without a record deal an antagonist, a "bad Hilary", if you will (as if a "good Hilary" ever existed).

I say, we throw all these teens into one band, and let them have their year and a half of fame, a la the Spice Girls, so they can fade into obscurity, and we can see a few decent videos on TV for a change. Because, realy, that's all that can be expected. The fact that Britney and Christina are still popular today is either a fluke of the grandest scale, or a testament to the belief that, if you indulge enough retirement-age fantasies in your videos, you CAN get those geezers out of the rocking chair and into the record store.

So kids, when you're blowing grey-haired executives for a guest spot on a sitcom in 10 years, don't fret; this is merely the way pop music works. You were a product, mass marketed to your very peers. Those same girls you taunted as you left them behind for a life of fame and fortune. Those same girls who chose an education over a free ride, and actually made something of their lives. Those same girls who will be happier and more successful than you could ever dream of. Face the cold hard truth, girls; Mickey Mouse is a dirty old man, and you have been violated. See you on the cover of People; we all know how much they love a good old fashioned crash and burn tale.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm missing Lizzie McGuire.

Here endeth the ePISSle.