PISSING VINEGAR Vol. 18: The Valentine's Day Special Resurrected!
Originally written February 13, 2000
Originally posted February 2002

It's a miracle! The long-lost Valentines' PV, not seen in years, has resurfaced. Some of you may remember the early days, when I had my weekly email newsletter. These newsletters contained the very first incarnations of PV, and only a couple were ever reissued, so to speak. In December 2001, I posted the Christmas edition on my old website, and followed two months later with this, the Valentine's Day Special. Unfortunately, some months later, Geocities ate the file, and I feared it was forever lost. Well, today I got an email from Chris Doyle, who was cleaning out an old email account, and miraculously still had the old newsletters on file. And so, children, we can finally relive the perverted magic that is... the Pissing Vinegar Valentine's Day Special. Enjoy.

*****

Here we are, kids... mere hours away from the most vomit-inducing of
holidays. The time of year where gushy preps spend insane amounts of money
on their sweethearts. No price is too high for the reddest of roses, the
shiniest of diamonds, or the richest of chocolates. I am speaking of,
naturally, Guarantee Your Piece Day. Hallmark would have you believe that
February 14th is all about showing your undying love and devotion to the
special person in your life. However, smart people (like your pal Willie
here) see through that thin disguise like the translucent teddy mom wore on
the night I was conceived. What February 14th is, in reality, is a day
where you buy a ton of sappy shit for your significant other in exchange for
the promise of sex on a regular basis over the course of the next 365 days.
Let's face it, guys; if you forget your sweetie on Valentine's Day, you can
be damn sure she'll forget how to give head (to you, anyway). So go ahead,
you lovestruck bastards. Lay out the bread, and she'll lay out the spread.

Now, for the singles... I haven't forgotten about you, as I am now
officially one of you. How in the hell do WE expect to be smoking in bed
(for all the right reasons) in just over 24 hours from now? Well, that's
gonna take some work. I mean, after all, girls who are single on
Valentine's Day are more than likely thinking about the guy who gave her a
cute and cuddly teddy bear 12 months ago, only to give her the heave-ho
right before her birthday (Sad but true: some guys just don't have the
prosperity level it takes to maintain a steady flow -- pardon the pun -- of
sexual activity). So, chances are, guys like us are at strike two before we
even button our shirts and slap on the Aqua-Velva (Note: you might want to
switch aftershaves). In the event, however, that the lady you've had your
eye on is open to a little of cupid's cruel archery, this guide is sure to
get you around the bases faster than Donovan Bailey on a sugar rush.*

* IMPORTANT NOTE: The following guide is a bunch of shit I'm making up on
the spot to try and be funny. The methods of mating used in this guide have
not been tested, and Willie assumes no responsibility in the event of
slapped face, drink-soaked crotch, or herpes. If any of this shit actually
works, I'll let you know. -W

STAGE 1: THE PREPARATIONS

What you wanna do is get all gussied up. I know you haven't spent fifty
bucks on swiss chocolate and stuffed animals, so why not take that surplus
over to the high-end men's clothing store and get yourself a slammin' shirt.
Recommended: Burnside, available at Jeans Experts. (NOTE: Don't even think
about wearing your new Burnside shirt to the Opera House, as I will be
wearing mine. If we're dressed like twins, that doesn't mean we'll get in a
threesome. Besides, you DO NOT want to see me naked.) After you've picked
your shirt, choose your jeans or pants carefully. The last thing you want
to do is show up in your 1987 Def Leppard jeans (aka The ones that look like
they've been fed to an alligator, shit out and re-eaten by his brother). Be
neat. This gives women the false impression that you are an organized man,
and therefore a good choice for a mate. Go ahead, take out the dress pants
you last wore at your great-uncle's funeral in 1995. Just make sure they
still fit, you Burger King loving bastard. Next stop: the shoes. Do not
overdo the shoes. If you show up with shoes so shiny the club lighting
makes your feet look like an acid trip, you are officially obssessed with
yourself as far as she is concerned. By the same token, perhaps you could
try not shaving. Not only does this make you look a pinch more rugged than
you are (No matter what they say, ladies do not dig babyfaces), plus you
won't have to worry about nicks, you clumsy fuck. Otherwise, your hair
should be presentable. Feel free to slick it back a bit, but don't bother
buying shares in Dep; It's a fine line between James Dean and Pee-Wee
Herman. Now that you're all studded up, let's go over the approach.

STAGE 2: CLUB ETIQUETTE

When you walk into the club, do not... repeat, DO NOT STRUT! If you
exuberate too much confidence in your future endeavours, those endeavours
will most likely consist of your Pamela Anderson poster and a bottle of Keri
lotion (not that I've ever done that). Just walk like you always do (Note:
If your name is Quasimodo, disregard the last statement; you're filthy rich
off that Disney movie, and therefore can fuck anything you want). Keep your
head up, and if you pass a fine lady look her in the eye, smile and give a
nod on your way by. Remember: groping a complete stranger is very, very
bad. It's important, however, to gauge her reaction. Here are some common
reactions and what they mean to you:
A. "Hi." -- If accompanied by a smile, she's open to your advance, and may
slow dance with you if asked later... if you're lucky, you might even be
able to cop a feel. If accompanied by a frown, she's obviously heartbroken,
and there to get drunk. Try again in an hour. If accompanied by a blank
stare, she thinks you said "High".
B. "Fuck Off!" -- Grab her ass. She may act like a bitch, but deep down
inside she knows that she's never gonna get laid with that attitude, and
eventually she's going to have to settle for something, and hey! It might
as well be you. If this approach is unsuccessful, buy her friend a drink.
C. The Man Checker -- You may have never heard it termed as such, but you're
familiar with it. The lady leans her head back, takes a quick (.2-.5
seconds) glance downward, and looks back up. This woman is looking at your
penis. If she frowns, your pants are too loose in that region, and she
would have appreciated checking the condition of your Gretzky rookie card
before buying it (ladies will not understand the analogy, but I know the
guys are with me on this one). If she smiles and her eyes grow wide, she
likes what she sees; way to go, poncho... now you've gotta keep the
balled-up sock in there all night. If she smiles and lets out a horrific,
sqealy laugh, you've left your fly open; obviously, she now knows about the
sock.
D. "I've been waiting my whole life for a man like you" -- This usually
signifies one of two things. a) You've been struck by a stray bullet from
Puff Daddy's glock, and have indeed dies and gone to heaven, or b) This
girl's been drinking since the 11th.
E. "Will you buy me a lemon gin?" -- She's 13. Get out now.
F. "Do I know you?" -- This is the girl you tried to pick up while going out
with her best friend. You are three seconds away from getting a beer bottle
smashed over your head. Let this happen. Your intense pain and suffering
will draw sympathy from about a dozen girls who don't know what a disgusting
pig you really are.

STEP 3: WHAT TO DO ONCE YOU'VE REELED HER IN

Congratulations, slick. The lady of choice has given you the privilege of
sitting with her at the table. Keep this in mind: She doesn't own that
table. If she wants to find another, she will. So don't fuck up now.
Statistics show that 83% of all pick-up attempts fail in Stage 3. This is
no time to ask her if those are real; play your cards right here, and you
may get to feel for yourself later. Most guys freeze up at this point of
the journey, as if they were trying to climb Everest only to run out of
oxygen five metres from the top. You're lucky, though, cuz you've got
Willie's advice memorized. This is, in actuality, the simplest part of the
process. There are only THREE THINGS that you MUST DO to finalized the
deal:
ONE: MAINTAIN CASUAL EYE CONTACT. Important: DO NOT STARE!! When she's
saying something that you think may be important to her (i.e. hair, shoes,
or her mom), go ahead and gaze into her baby blues. She may even believe
that you are interested in what she's saying. But know when to draw the
line. For example, if she stops talking, that's your cue to glance at
something other than her pupils. Do not look at her breasts. (Helpful hint:
This may also be a cue for you to say something. Don't talk about
wrestling. Unless she brings it up, of course.)
TWO: DO NOT BRAG ABOUT YOURSELF OR YOUR EXPLOITS -- If you've succeeded in
portraying yourself as the perfect man, you've also succeeded in portraying
yourself as a bold-faced liar. They know we're all idiots. Just be modest
and humble, and she may consider you less of an idiot than her
ex-boyfriends. On the same token, now may be a good time to relate a
personal tragedy. Tell her your last girlfriend died of breast cancer or
something (IMPORTANT: DO NOT tell her your ex-girlfriend died of clamidia).
THREE: KEEP BUYING HER DRINKS -- This one should be pretty much
self-explanatory.

STAGE 4: SEALING THE DEAL

By this time, you're both pretty knowledgable of each other (not to mention
pretty drunk). Now is your time to shine. Too many guys make the mistake
of using all their lines upon first glance of a woman. Stupid ass! Wait
until she's loaded, and your lines stand a better chance of working their
magic. Here's a novel approach; ask her what the best pick-up line she ever
heard was. Then top it. Example: If she says the best she's been offered
was "Your daddy must've been an astronaut, 'cause you're out of this world",
say "Your daddy must've been a donkey, 'cause you've got a fine ass". See?
Ingenuity goes a long way. Maybe all the way. If she giggles like a
schoolgirl, you done good. Now get a serious look on your face, and tell
her you'd really like to see her again. With all the alcohol she's
ingested, plus all the charm you've piled onto her, you stand a good chance
of "again" being later that night, in her bedroom. Now would be a good time
to make sure you've got some condoms. A not-so-wise man once said, "My cock
is rotting! My cock is rotting!". So be like Astar, and play safe.

STAGE 5: USE YOUR IMAGINATION

***********

This concludes our lesson on lovin'. I wish you all the luck in the world,
gentlemen, and I know you all wish me the same. Godspeed, soldier. And
hey... if you make it to stage 5, name it after me.

I'm Willie, and that's the way shit is.