Pissing Vinegar Vol... Er... 41? Ish?

Okay, here's the situation...

As I start stroking these keys (and nothing else at the moment; that's for when I'm on other people's blogs), it's 10:32 am. I'm half awake due to playing Rampage (yes, the old school arcade game) until 3:30 last night and, for some ungodly reason, I've decided that this would be a good time to start thinking creatively. I've got to be at work at noon, so I've got to think fast ("fast" being a word that left my vocabulary many years of smoking ago). As of this exact moment, I've got no plan in place whatsoever (although making an entire post in which every sentence has one of these asides in brackets might be entertaining).

Don't worry, though; if this post doesn't seem up to snuff, I have a solution. I was thinking that in, say, two or three weeks, I could come back to this post... you know, just to spruce it up a little bit. I'll add a few more obscenities, maybe a few more lines of colourful text that don't really add anything to the equation (but they'll so totally flesh out the narrative). Ooh, better yet, I could provide an accompanying commentary track, so that everyone can know what the process is like, and what I was thinking when I said "nuttier than a teacup of shart juice". Or, if you prefer, I can offer some behind-the-scenes shit; so as to say, I could throw in a picture of my toilet. What better way to give you, the hardcore fan, access to the psyche than to show you where inspiration strikes me two to three times a day?

Now, needless to say, all these enhancements can't happen at once. I'd expect to see some improvements over a span of three to five years. Then, when this blog is replaced with something fresh and cutting-edge, I'll bring it back in a waaaaaay prettier font so we can relilve the magic all over again. Think about this; one day, years from now, you could be reading these words in uberstratosphericholographicjustfantastic high definition. Doesn't that make you want to scream to the word that Jesus loves you? No? What if you could read this in mandarin? That's so awesome just to think about... Pissing Vinegar in mandarin on an ubershithot high def monitor, with seventeen deleted words and me talking about taking a shit as you're reading! This is a mind-blowing entertainment experience, people. And, it can be yours for the low, low introductory price of...

I don't know about you, but I think we've found our subject.

These days, Hollywood is crying, bitching, moaning, bawling, lamenting... hang on, checking the thesaurus... bewailing, blubbering, howling, keening, sniveling, sobbing, weeping and whimpering. It would seem that the once mighty movie industry is suffering from an incredible injury, and it's dying fast. Within years, all of the magic could be lost. There might not be any more silver screen heroics, white knuckle thrill rides, two thumbs up. All of it, obliterated by you. Yes, you. You greedy ass piece of shit! How could you drive the film industry under? It's all your fault, you know. Didn't anyone ever teach you that stealing is wrong? 'Cause that's what you're doing! What the hell were you thinking downloading movies from torrent sites? You're killing Hollywood!

And so on, and so forth. However, with all the lawsuits and presumptions and mourning the death of an industry that still thrives, Hollywood hasn't asked themselves the easy question; why are people downloading? In an effort to curb downloading, Warner Brothers pictures has ceased their once common practice of advance screenings in Canada. That's because, as the statistics have proven, Canada is among the worst offenders when it comes to downloading movies (I use the word "offenders" loosely, as it's technically not even illegal here yet). In addition, all of the studios have hired some extra staff in recent years, for their newly-instituted anti-piracy divisions. These are the people who find downloaders and send them nasty e-mails. I've gotten a couple of them, and chances are good that you have too. It's always something along the lines of, "You shouldn't have downloaded 'Happy Feet'. If you don't stop downloading movies, we told your internet provider that we'd sue you, and they're totally on board with it. So stop being a fucking degenerate scumbag and pay to watch movies like all the good people".

But, again, rather than go through all these legal motions and issuance of threats, shouldn't the studios be asking themselves the simple question of why? I'm thinking about it, and I can't recall any article relating to the movie studio where one talks about why people download. It's always either: a) studio pissed off that people are downloading, says it's killing Hollywood, or b) studio taking extra measures to ensure their movie doesn't get downloaded. Look, all I'm saying is that Hollywood could save an assload of money by cutting out all this bureaucratic bullshit and just ask themselves why people download. The answer is easier than you think.

Let's say you love movies. I mean, who doesn't, right? After all, you don't download movies because you want to kill Hollywood; that's silly talk. Anyway, for the purposes of today's experiment, let's say your favourite movie is 'Platoon'. Good choice, my friend. Now, 'Platoon' came out in, what, 1986? Okay. Let's try to remember the price of a movie ticket in 1986. Would you say, around six dollars? Let's go with six. You, of course, loved 'Platoon', so you go twice. You also bought popcorn and Pepsi both times, bringing your total to about $20 (hey, I'm being generous here).

Fast forward to '87, and the VHS release of 'Platoon'. Now, where I come from, in 1987 you couldn't go out and buy a movie. You could rent them, but the cost to buy a VHS was actually a lot higher than a DVD (due to the fact that, in the beginning, VHS movies were marketed to renters rather than owners). Let's say you didn't buy it, only rented it twice at three bucks a pop, totalling $6.

Fast forward all the way to the late '90s. Chances are, you've picked up a VHS copy at a video store for about $3 by now, so you do technically own it. But now, there's this wonderful new technology called DVD. And you can buy 'Platoon' on DVD for the low, low price of $40! Unbelievable! Where do I sign up?

Awesome, but now it's 2003. And, your original 'Platoon' DVD has been deleted in favour of one in a sturdier case and more colourful packaging. But, like we've established, you love 'Platoon', and you're glad to support your faves, so you shell out another $20.

2004: Wow, thanks for being such a big fan! To thank you, we're releasing a special edition of 'Platoon', with more bonus features than ever! $20, please.

2006: We can't believe how well that special edition went over, so you might be interested in the 20th Anniversary Collector's Edition (you ARE a collector, n'est pas?). It's got two discs! You fucking need this DVD! And it's only $30!

2007: You thought it was over? It's never over! We're putting out 'Platoon' in a metal case, just like guns and bullets! It doesn't have any special features you don't already have, but you'll pay the $25 because you, sir, are nuttier than a teacup of shart juice.

Grand total (not counting soundtracks, posters, and other assorted memorabilia): $164... $135 of which was spent on DVDs alone. Now, I don't know about you, but I flat out refuse to pay in excess of $150 for one movie. Not even 'Pulp Fiction', the single greatest film achievement of our time, is worth that kind of cheddar. But, this is what's expected of us, at 2007 theatre prices that make 1986 look like the good old days. And the worst of it: it's not over yet. Now, we have HD DVD and Blu-Ray, and they're rolling out the back catalogue at $40 a pop all over again. They've made a business out of rehashing, and people have started to notice Hollywood's blatant ploys. 'Platoon' is not an extreme example; these days, multiple editions of DVDs are commonplace. Old movies from the 80's that nobody gave two shits about are being repackaged under cutesie, 80's referencing names, like the "tubular" edition et al.

I truly believe that downloading is not what's killing Hollywood; Hollywood is killing itself with greed. Inflated ticket costs, ludicrous prices on "special editions" that "no fan should be without" (which begs the question, you made a regular edition why?!), and continued recycling of old material time and time again have made buying a movie too much of a hassle. I don't own the Lord of the Rings trilogy, because I'm waiting for that one perfect edition to be released. I've waited through the single-disc editions, the double-disc special editions, the four-disc extended editions, the four-disc extended editions with collectible figurine, the six-disc box set, the twelve-disc box set and the two-disc extended editions. If I was a "true collector", I would have already spent around $900 (based on prices when they were first released; nowadays they're really rather cheap) on the DVDs alone.

Is it really so hard to believe that people have had enough of being milked? Can Hollywood not see that people aren't willing to spend their life savings on movies? Well, considering that Spiderman 3 pulled in close to $150 million in three days, I guess they can't. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to download 'Platoon'. And 'Spiderman 3'. Because I want to kill Hollywood.

Here endeth the ePISSle.