DO NOT get used to this.

So, where was I before I got so rudely interrupted by spam? Oh, yes... a little sumthin' sumthin' to get you through the weekend, for the sake of my sanity and as a token of appreciation for the folks who give enough of a shit to take five for this shoddy little webhole. Cheers!

Okay, here's the situation...

I swore it to myself, over and over. From the time I was a teen, I kept it close to my heart, silently reciting it ad nauseum as a personal belief; nay, a mantra. Come to think of it, that's kind of sort of the same thing, but it's not important. All you have to know is, I tried really, really hard not to go back on the word I gave to myself.

I was never, ever, ever going to be one of those people.

Now, I suppose the few of you out there who have not yet developed telepathy need an explanation. What, do I have to fucking spell everything out for you? Can't you tell by the subtleties and general feel of the words I've been saying exactly what I'm thinking at this very moment?

(If you were thinking "I'd really fancy a cheeseburger", congratulations. You can read minds!)

I was never going to be one of those people bewildered by the teenagers and their love for weird/loud/bad music. Oh no, not me! I would diligently stick with the trends and, Goddamn it, I would sense the coolness in them, such is the inherent coolness within my core. The kids would marvel in awe at my coolness, because I liked the same kind of music as they did.

Well, a funny thing happened. Music started sucking. That, or the kids. Maybe both. I can't tell. All I know for sure is this: based on the wording of the above line, every pedophile on the Internet is going to stumble upon this website when they Google. If I may, let me take a moment to welcome our new friends. This message is just for them, so if the regulars would kindly skip the next paragraph...

***Why, hello there, asshead. And, welcome to Willie's Webhole. Don't be scared, there's room for everyone here. Far be it for me to make hasty judgments on your character. However, you should know that you will not find kids sucking anything, or anyone, anywhere on this website. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. But hey, since you're here, I'd like to give you a pat on the back. You serve an important purpose to your community. If not for folks like you, Dateline probably wouldn't be on the air. Boy, do I love me some Dateline; so informative, so compelling. Well, this is where you get off (or, should I say, DON'T get off? LOLs... see what I did there? That's what some people consider humour). Again, thanks for visiting Willie's Webhole. I sure enjoyed your company. Now please, if you'll excuse me, I have some non-diddlers to address. If you wouldn't mind pouring some sulfuric acid on your scrotums and sticking your creepy little dicks into a bucket of boiling motor oil, that'd be just super.***

And, we're back. Now, sometime around 2002, rock music got... well, to put it generally, less about anger and more about love. But, not love in the sense of "ooh baby, let's lay down by the fire and talk about your feelings". More like, love in the sense of "she plunges into my blackened chest with her blackened nails and pulls out my blackened heart, still beating before my blackened eyes". That, and it seemed like no one was singing anymore. It was as though any band signed to a record deal was now required in their contract to keep an electrical charge running through their assholes at all times. And, the ones who were still singing mostly sounded like they'd elected not to have puberty.

Don't get me wrong, the music was still aggressive. It's just that it all sounded like At The Drive-In. Which is the most astonishingly awful part of the screamo movement. I actually liked At The Drive-In! How could they sully such a great band like this? Over and over and over and over and over again? Between the metalhead wannabes screeching about their girlfriends and the whiny bitches moaning their fourth grade poetry, there was hardly any room left for the cool bands. They were still out there, of course. It was just getting a lot harder to hear them for all the razors slicing across wrists.

I will admit, I tried to like it for a while. My Chemical Romance, Saves The Day, Fall Out Boy, Dashboard Confessional, The Used, Bullet For My Valentine, et al. all got their chance. But, after so much of it, I ceased to get anything substantial out of the music. I found myself no longer identifying with the subject matter; then again, how many people can truly identify with a genre that has so many songs about being murdered by the love of your life? Now, I can already hear them saying, "Dude, it's only a metaphor. Love is pain, love is darkness. Don't you understand?" Well, no... I don't, emo kid. You understand this... love is pretty fucking cool. You know, not everything is a seething pit of sadness. Lighten the fuck up; go to the beach or something. You're not a fucking vampire, or the Crow, or even a mime. Nobody needs to be THAT white.

It's like this. In the 90's, "grunge" music defined my generation. The subject matter was intense, abrasive, often depressing. But, the funny thing about Pearl Jam as opposed to AFI is this. There may be an equal amount of despair in the lyrics, but when I listen to Pearl Jam sing about despair, it gives me hope. When I listen to AFI sing about despair, I survey the room for firearms and/or sharp objects.

Then, there's the whole issue of what qualifies as what these days. Can anyone really tell what's emo/hardcore/screamo/metal/retro/alternative/nu-metal/punk anymore? Fall Out Boy sings pop-punk songs about relationships, yet doesn't want to be called emo. Good Charlotte plays some of the most sugary, syrupy dogshit on the planet and claim to be punk. My Chemical Romance went from full-blown emo to emo-punk to 70's revival arena rock emo. Avenged Sevenfold, which I always considered screamo, is all of a sudden trying to be a a metal band. It doesn't make sense! Then again, maybe it's just a matter of being too old to comprehend. But, I do know that when I was a teenager, punk was the Ramones and Sex Pistols, metal was Metallica and Iron Maiden, alternative was Bjork and Radiohead, and so on and so forth. Everybody had their place, was totally cool with it, and never really went out of their way to smell the neighbour's wife's ass.

What it all boils down to is this; it is my belief that rock music needs to smarten the fuck up, take a breather, and get some semblance of identity back. It's too scattered. And the children are suffering for it. They're growing up thinking Sum 41 is punk, Panic At The Disco is hardcore, H.I.M. is metal and Pearl Jam are old farts who suck because they're old farts. They're dressing like Robert Smith and cutting themselves over a Twenty-something Straightedge Anglo Saxon Suburbanite who thinks the world is a black hole of despair because some chick he got to second base with in high school still won't return his fucking text messages.

With all of this being said, I think I've strayed a little far from the point (which, as you all know, is something I never do). I work in a music store, so I can tell you with confidence that most of today's kids have no taste in music. It's no longer about who the best band is, it's about who has the most Myspace friends. Forget about the substance, it's all about the style. Even the kids who are cooler than most by listening to older bands are consumed by it. Some of these kids would do a world of good to buy a Led Zeppelin CD, but won't because they'd rather spend the twenty bucks on a Led Zeppelin T-shirt and let all their friends know they're old school without actually having to sit through "Kashmir". They talk the talk, but when it comes time to actually pick out a CD, 9 out of 10 opt for the generic heavy-rotation-on-Much garbage.

And, do I think it's sad that I don't identify with this music? Of course. But, I'm sadder at the fact that most of the bands making rock music today don't identify with their fans. Consumed with the hook rather than the song, they're robbing our teenagers of the amazing, uplifting feeling of truly connecting with music. That, or the kids are content with connecting to their favourite bands via the official website's message board. To which all I can say is... WTF u guyz?

Here endeth the ePISSle.