For all you fellas stuck on Christmas gift ideas for your ladies...

Help is here...

Okay, seriously... what's wrong with me?!

Don't get used to such frequent updates, I'm sure it's some kind of weird chemical imbalance that made me update three times within a month or so. Everything will be back to normal soon.

Anyway, I figured it's been a while since I posted some good old random-ass thoughts.

* I ate at McDonald's tonight. After imposing upon myself a quasi-boycott a couple of months ago, I actually drove over there and gave them my money. And, Goddamn it, it feels... wrong.

* Christmas shopping is well under way. I've got the kids about half bought for; beyond them and Carrie, most everyone else is taken care of, more or less. Although I must soon get blank CDs so I can actually get to work on Year in Rock 2006. I'm thinking fifteen copies this year. Oh, and if you don't know what the Year in Rock 2006 CD is, chances are you're not getting one. Suffer!

* Speaking of suffer, my poor baby girl kitty P.J. was pissing blood a week ago. Turns out it was mostly caused by stress (just like last time). Randall (my baby boy kitty) is constantly harassing her, biting, tackling, chasing... Coles Notes: Randall won't let P.J. chillax. Interestingly enough, another contributing factor to stress in cats is rearrangement of furniture.

* Last time I checked, Carrie loved rearranging furniture.

* No wonder P.J. is always coming up to me and meowing. She's saying, "They're after me! You've got to save me! Please! You're the only one I can trust!"

* Over four years removed from the radio business, and I don't miss it a bit. I do wish my former place of employment would just close up shop and get it over with, though. The other three people who've inadvertently heard a few seconds of the normal broadcast day can tell you, the ship it is a-sinkin' when it comes to "talent".

* Everything is better in HD. I'll watch anything in HD. Since we got our new set, I've watched probably four or five hours of college football.

* I fucking hate football.

* The only thing better than watching something in HD? Watching something in HD while wearing a pair of Carrie's new glasses.

* I need glasses. I think it's because I'm old now. That, or it really does make you go blind... by which I mean whacking off when I was a teenager. Don't laugh. The majority of you did it at least as often. Know how I know? Most of you are wearing glasses as you read this.

* Do I really have to sing the praises of American beer? No, I do not. And, I am in no way implying that my new favorite beer is Miller Genuine Draft. Stupid, tame ass, smooth, easy going taste.

* Gift certificates: when you don't care enough to know what they like.

* Time for the big finale...

The End.

Holy Crap, It Happened Again!

By which, I mean, updating this thing. Hell, if this keeps up, I might actually have to let people know it's here or something...

So, I just spent a couple of hours reading over my older writings, and I had a revelation during one of the classic Pissing Vinegars. I won't copy and paste it (or bother looking it up, for that matter), but I believe the line was something like, "fuck you in your musty ass with an acid-dipped kendo stick".

That's when it hit me. I have lost it. Absolutely, completely fucking lost it.

"It", of course, being my creative spark. I just can't come up with shit like that anymore. And, I have to wonder, what happened? Did I burn out too many brain cells on the heavy metal music? Did that whole writer's block episode cause permanent damage to my wit? Was it that dramatic and overblown "I'm going to become a better person and speak out on social issues" shit? Because, looking back, every Colin, Dick and Bush was playing that game in '04. Sure, I care about global warming, the state of our economy and the impending nuclear holocaust, but do you see me in the streets of Washington D.C. with a burning effigy? I might be stupider than I used to be, but I know for a fact that it's much safer to rage against global injustice in an electronic forum, as opposed to within range of sniper's bullets.

I know... it's the mental stability thing. Of course! The whole time I was cranking out those witty, relentless tongue lashings, I was under a certain amount of stress. I was harbouring animosity in some form or another toward my environment. Face it; when I wrote those things, even though I tried my best to keep it humourous, I was pissed off.

And, I know, on occasions it got to a point where it stopped being funny (sometimes it never started being funny). When I wrote about the bank, I'm sure that deep down inside, I really wanted to firebomb the damned place. McDonald's, Sobeys, NB Power, the hospital, Bobby Clarke... the reason I wrote about these things is because they did something to make me unhappy.

It's so obvious. I'm providing less wit and vitriol simply because I'm happier than I was back then.

So, if you're waiting on a slew of new Pissing Vinegars, fuck that. I'll be trying my hardest not to come up with more of those. But, if you still feel like dropping by from time to time, I'll try not to be as anti-social as I once was.

I know, it's not the most entertaining shit I've ever written. Then again, it's not 2001 anymore, and my job isn't to entertain.

I'm just trying to keep in touch.

Just Because I Can, Bitches!

Even though I've updated this site so infrequently, my fiancee is the only one left who reads it (and it took her about two weeks to stumble upon my last post), I thought I'd take the opportunity to do something I haven't done in a very long time. That's right, this is my second update in a month! I know! What the hell is wrong with me?

Well, since you didn't ask, I have a cold. And it's really depressing for two reasons:

a) I had been on a really good roll for a while, going almost a full year without much more than temporary sniffles and a couple of coughing fits. Traditionally, I used to get three to four colds a year, usually lasting close to a month. Although, I guess, I have been living somewhat healthier in the past year. I haven't quit smoking or anything that extreme, but I have pretty much cut Pepsi out of my diet, opting for water or iced tea in most cases. Regardless, it was pretty much inevitable that I'd go down this week, as it seems most people around me came down with something or other. I will count my blessings, though; my boss was incapacitated for close to three days with the flu, and I managed to avoid that shit in what could only be described as some hardcore Matrix style mental dodging.

b) The timing on my malady could not possibly have been worse. Carrie is throwing her Halloween party tomorrow night, and it's hard to imagine much better than a partial recovery by then. Which means, basically, that our guests will likely be avoiding me like the plague, and I won't be drinking. Come to think of it, that isn't much different from normal circumstances.

Anyway, I have made the mental note that this cold is progressing far quicker than they have in the past. It used to be that I'd have sniffles for a couple of days, then have clogged nostrils for anywhere between a week to a month (yes, kids, you can and will develop an addicition to nasal spray if this happens). About four days into the cold, I'd start coughing up phlegm, and the condition would persist for about a week. This time, I've gone from sniffles to crippling coughing fits and feeling a little bit better inside of 48 hours. Who knows? Maybe now that I don't treat my body like a garbage dump 24/7, these colds will come and go in mere days, rather than months.

So yeah, I'm sure there are plenty of other things I could rant on about, but I won't take up any more time than I need to. There's a bottle of NyQuil in the fridge with my name on it, and I'm hoping it knocks me the fuck out proper.

Toodles.

Did I really just say toodles?

Damn. How lame can you get?

Looks like I fell asleep again.

Shit, has it already been six months since I updated this thing? It went by so fast...

So, in case you haven't figured it out yet, not much is going on in my life anymore. But, you know what? I rather like it this way. I'm actually kind of content with coasting through time without incident, and recommend it to anyone who feels overwhelmed by schedules, lists and the like. Get lazy for a little while; never mind when that assignment is due, throw away the PDA. Concentrate all of your energies on blinking and breathing.

Look, I know I'm the last person on the face of the planet who should be giving anyone life advice. I just felt like sharing my contentment with the current situation. It's not like I won the lottery or scored the winning goal; just happy with my life at the moment, no matter how mundane it seems to be.

The job is going well; I haven't tired of listening to music all day yet (although sometimes I get a little dismayed when it's too early in the day and there are too many old folks in the mall to get away with playing the new Mastodon record). The pay hasn't reached call centre proportions yet, and I don't expect that they ever will. But, the way I see it, if I have to shave a few bucks off of my hourly pay to save myself from stressing out in a cubicle, that's an easy investment to make.

Carrie and I are still going strong. We're well over five years into this thing (officially) now and she hasn't left me yet, so I figure she's immune to my... er... quirks. Seriously, I would never have thought five years ago that'd we'd still be together right now. I consider myself very fortunate for having somehow connived my way into her heart and staying there. I guess I'll just keep hanging on for dear life and hope I don't fuck up :) <--- As you'll note, not only do you get the smiley face, but the crudely constructed arrow too. That's why they call me "dork".

Which reminds me, can we bring "dweeb" back? Is that kosher? I'm so totally calling someone a dweeb tomorrow. Carrie, I apologize in advance if it turns out to be you.

I guess I should probably call it a night. And I just realized something; I haven't really bitched about anything at all in this post. Could it be I've gone from Pissing Vinegar to Sipping Herbal Tea? Hmmm... better rectify this.

My fucking back is killing me. That stupid ass pinched nerve that I've talked about a couple of times in the past is back again. Only this time, it's worse. I took two Robaxacet this morning, and two hours later it hurt worse than it ever has before. I won't even bother going to the hospital for it either. My hair has been growing uninterrupted since November 2005, and I'll be damned if I shed these luscious locks on account of some apathetic, punk ass doctor/character judge who'll just mistake me for the guy who hangs out at the junior high school selling cigarettes to his daughter and refuse to so much as take an X-ray, let alone diagnose.

While I'm spitting insults here, exactly how is it that almost two years ago we lost one of the greatest rock/metal musicians in modern history (by which I refer to Dimebag Darrell, in case you already forgot a true legend), and yet Nickelback, Fall Out Boy and countless other suppliers of unoriginal, sugary, watered down tripe have been spared? Do you people realize how many chances we've had to take Chad Kroeger down? Can we send them back to Portugal? Can they stay there forever? And yes, I'm well aware of the fact that I put Fall Out Boy on my Year in Rock compilation last year. I also recall once mixing Hermits wine and chocolate milk; do you think I'm proud of that?

Oh, and I'm officially done with McDonald's. I won't go into the details of what they did to me last time I was there, but suffice to say I was counting up all the things that pissed me off about the visit, and I ran out of fingers. I seriously ran out of fingers. And I've never had my hand caught in a thresher. Anyway, it's been almost two weeks, and the lure of their tasty golden fries hasn't pulled me back. Neither will their Monopoly bullshit. I don't know anyone who's ever won anything beyond a small fry playing that game. The way I see it, I win every time I go to Burger King. I win because they never fuck up my order.

To end it on a positive note, I've heard so many good albums over the past few months, and implore you to check these out sooner rather than later.

Muse: Black Holes and Revelations
With their last release, 2004's "Absolution", they gave us the best Radiohead record since "OK Computer". This time, they're gunning for Queen. And Britney Spears. And the Pet Shop Boys. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? It is. Sounds like a disaster, doesn't it? It isn't.

The Mars Volta: Amputechture
Chances are, if you're a fan of TMV, you've had this baby in high rotation since July (when it leaked online) even though it was only released a month ago. And, while some call it a step down from "Frances The Mute"... of course it's a step down! "Frances" was a fucking masterwork! The thing is, The Mars Volta's worst album is still better than 90% of band's best albums.

Mastodon: Blood Mountain
"Leaviathan" was an album that struck me so hard, I said that it would be recalled in twenty years as an all time metal masterpiece. It looks like I may stand corrected, because "Blood Mountain" is at least twice as good.

The Hold Steady: Boys and Girls in America
You may have heard some buzz about these guys, or read some glowing reviews from stuffy critics, praising The Hold Steady for their earnest rock and calling this album a potential all time great. You may have said to yourself, "suuuuure, these guys latch onto a band and suck their dicks for a few minutes of ecstacy; then they wipe their mouths and move on to the next one... I'm not getting suckered in by the hype". But, this ain;t no stuffy critic you're dealing with. It's me. I've never steered you wrong. Disregard Fall Out Boy's inclusion on Year in Rock last year. That was some other guy named Willie. I hate Fall Out Boy. I love The Hold Steady. At least until next year... seriously, though, The Hold Steady are nothing like Fall Out Boy. I highly recommend it.

God, it's 2:03 AM, and I open the store tomorrow (with a pinched nerve, no less). Gotta crash, guys, but it's been good catching up.

See you in March.