The New Weezer Album (Probably) Sucks Balls, and They (Definitely) Know It

Business first; after a few measly weeks, I've already decided to kill my chart again. Two reasons, actually...

1. I thought to myself, "what does a chart represent in the grand scheme of things but popularity?" Upon further reflection, I determined that a chart is kind of an odd way to recommend music these days. After all, it doesn't really promote you to check anything out as much as it screams out, "I like the new Sam Roberts single more than I like the new Weezer single, so you should like it too!" Of course, this is a bad example, since everyone knows how horrendous the new Weezer single is, but you get my point ;)

2. Nobody looks at the damn thing anyway. When I make a post, I'm guessing most of you read it through my Facebook feed anyway, without bothering to actually visit the blog. I know this because I posted a poll a couple of weeks back that pretty much said, "I'll do a podcast if you want me to", and no one's gone for that option as of this writing. So, with that in mind, fancy stuff on my sidebar is essentially useless, because no one's there to see it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter or anything; I'd also be inclined to just snag the article from Facebook rather than go through links and new tabs and shit. I'm just saying, I thought it would be a cool thing to do, then had a change of heart on it, and didn't see any indication it was worth the effort anyway. So it's gone.

Onto the article. Feel free to comment, correct or threaten at will.

The interweb was all aflutter a month or so back, when it was announced that the new Weezer album would be, like the Blue Album and Green Album before it, self titled (aka the Red Album). Visions of "The Sweater Song", or even "Island in the Sun" started floating above our heads; with the exception of "Pinkerton", the only Weezer records that have been truly great were the self titled records. It had seemed the mighty Weez were on a slippery slope, after the metallic, clumsy "Maladroit" and the self-help infused, synth pop inspired mess of "Make Believe". But, lo and behold, we were being graced with a self titled Weezer record; surely, they'd regained their senses and were set to unleash the beast.

Well, the single "Pork and Beans" popped that balloon in a hurry. It's the kind of quirky/sludgy rocker Rivers Cuomo could write (and sounds as though he sung) in his sleep. Nevertheless, rock radio was all over it, since it was a new Weezer single. Now, Interscope had originally delayed the release of the record a week from its intended date of June 17. Then, last week, it was announced that the record would actually be out on June 3, a full three weeks before what was given as an official release date. As an excuse for the move, they cited "popular demand and the intense reaction to the Pork and Beans single". Now, I know that the popular demand part comes from Weezer's dedicated fan base, who are on the brink of orgasm this close to release date. What's unclear is the "intense reaction" to the single; are they referring to the spins at rock radio, or the hundreds of not-so-glowing reviews on blogs the web over?

More tracks have surfaced in the last week; "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" is a 6 minute boast rap/prog rock/epic singalong combo that's easily the strangest thing Weezer have ever recorded. It hearkens back to the Who's "A Quick One While He's Away" in that it sounds like nine songs in one. That was awesome when the Who did it; I accepted it when Green Day did it. Whether or not Weezer deserves props for it is more of a head scratcher; it's oddly charming, but more keeled toward "odd" than "charming".

Then, there's "Heart Songs". I don't even want to talk about it; it's just sad. Not in the "affects you emotionally" way, but rather the "Rivers, who did what to you to deserve a song this fucking awful" way.

All could be forgiven by "Troublemaker", a rollicking headbobber that's all but guaranteed to be the second single (and probably should have been the first). It's tight, it's catchy, it's classic Weezer, despite and/or because of the trite lyrics. "Everybody Get Dangerous" is rocking too, but with more of a nighttime, "Maladroit" vibe. It's passable, but it's no "Don't Let Go".

And those five songs constitute the first half of the album. So, unless the latter half is a rare beast of the B-side trumping the A-side (see "Back in Black"), the Red Album is shaping up to be somewhat of a dud. Which, as lukewarm reactions pour in, tracks continue to leak and (most importantly) word gets around, pleads a pretty good case for rush release. Because if you give the internet a month to kill something, you better believe it's gonna die a horrible, horrible death.

Three years ago, I had called "Make Believe" Weezer's make or break record. Now, a couple of weeks away from what is likely going to be the band's third lackluster album in a row, I think I can safely say that they're broken. Despite owning all five Weezer records and the Rivers Cuomo demo disc, it looks like I'm finally done with the Weez.

Of course, it's not the first time a band has strung together disappointments; we lose bands to this kind of thing all the time. It just stings a little more with Weezer. If you think back to this time ten years ago, this band had been written off by fans and critics alike after the moody, slow sales performer "Pinkerton" which, in hindsight, is probably their best album. They were forgiven with the Green Album, which is extremely rare in the music biz. Forgiveness from anyone but the hardcore fans after this will be a miracle.