Pissing Vinegar vol. 45: So, You've Decided To Boycott...

Okay, here's the situation...

You hear me talk a lot about poor service. You hear me jabber endlessly about being wronged by corporations, and planning revenge against said corporations. You've even heard me drop the B-word before. And, though my last boycott attempt was foiled by an undying hunger for fries, I still feel as though I'm above average when it comes to boycotting. I wouldn't quite place me in the upper five percentile, but I'm damn sure better at boycotting than the lower class peons that writhe on the ground under my feet, begging my mercy as I strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious.... whoa. Let's reel that tangent in, shall we?

All I'm saying is that, for all the bitching I do about disservice, it occurred to me that maybe I could actually provide a service about what to do when you've decided to boycott. So, I shall give it a go. Walk with me into the heart of darkness.

How to Boycott in Five Easy Steps:

1. Pick your target.
If you're going to boycott, you need a victim. Now, picking a boycott target isn't as easy as "I hate this company, so I'm boycotting them". This isn't Lent; you have to boycott a company you normally frequent on at least a semi-regular basis. For example, why would I boycott Domino's Pizza when I've never had it in my life? Senseless. Choose a place you've been to at least once a month; that way, it'll feel like you're actually boycotting.

At this point, I'd be remiss if I didn't give you a solid example, a fight of my own to undertake along side of you, my noble soldiers. My target in this boycott is Empire Theatres.

2. Now, we need a reason.
Once you have a target, you are definitely going to need a reason. Otherwise, the other steps are going to be a bitch. Now, we're talking about something so wrong taking place on the business' behalf that you see no alternative but to stop frequenting that establishment. "I don't like them" is no excuse; you have to know why you don't like them. If you can't think of a reason, chances are the boycott will fail, and you will bring shame to your family.

So, why am I boycotting Empire Theatres? I could have chosen a number of reasons (inflated prices, shitty addictive popcorn, etc.). I have decided upon the most common complaint for our lovely local theatre; we don't get the good movies. Oh sure, we get the blockbusters; everybody gets those. But we don't get the GOOD movies. You know, the R-rated ones with the gushing blood and the oozing guts? What are they called? Oh yeah, HORROR MOVIES. If it's not a shitty third-rate remake and/or starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, chances are good that we don't get to watch it on opening night. If you need proof, we can go all the way back to a little film called Freddy Vs. Jason. When it opened four years ago, it topped the box office. But Miramichi had nothing to do with it, because we didn't get it. Most recently, we're being shut out of Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween (presumably because it's not third-rate and/or directed by Rob Zombie; none of his films have ever played here). Now, I understand that very little of the decision making falls on specific theatres, and I don't plan to single out one theatre. That's right, kids; whereas before I'd be inclined to go to Moncton and watch it at Crystal Palace or Trinity Drive, this time I say fuck that. I'm boycotting ALL Empire Theatres.

3, Time to figure out what you want to get out of this.
Here's your chance to play kidnapper without the threat of jail time or the hassle of scared children. Take a few minutes and think it all over. Once your boycott has started, how do you know when to end it? We're not quitting smoking here; we're leaving the door open to rekindling the relationship, and we need to set a goal as to when that should happen. Now, it'd be silly to ask for ransom; that's what lawsuits are for. We will require hard evidence that our voices have been heard. What "hard evidence" entails is totally up to you. It could be a free meal, a slap in the nuts, or whatever you determine as proof that you've made a difference.

Back to my struggle, and this is a tough one. How do you get change from a company that doesn't care about small towns? Because it's obvious that Empire could give a rat's pus-infected colon what we think in Miramichi when it comes to horror movies. According to their figures, we've got nothing but toddlers, teenagers and old people around here. Maybe someone should let them know that not every Miramichier between the ages of 18 and 64 has moved out west. Yet. Regardless, I've decided that for the purposes of this article, I should go with a short boycott (I hope). So here's the sitch; Resident Evil: Extinction opens on September 21, and if you've seen the red band trailer, you know it actually looks awesome. Not as awesome as the dozens of great flicks I never got to watch in a theatre, but pretty awesome nonetheless. So, my boycott will end if we get Resident Evil: Extinction here in Miramichi.

4. Spread the Word, brothers and sisters!
Kind of like I just did. Remember, the entire point of the boycott is to raise awareness of your dissatisfaction and to get as many people on your side as possible. After all, there's power in numbers. The more people know about it, the more people agree. The more people agree, the more people participate. The more people participate, the more people to put the blame on if things get out of hand and arrests are made. However, if you don't have a website, there are other ways you can get the word out. Write an articulate e-mail and send it to all of your contacts. Make a group on Facebook. Write an articulate e-mail and post a copy of it on Facebook. If you don't have a computer, you're fucked. Seriously, you can't win. No one is going to give the time of day to someone who doesn't even have a computer. This is the 21st century, grandpa. Get your ass to Staples and get with the now.

5. Keep it up!
This is the really important part. You can't just say "I'm boycotting blah blah blah" and walk away, never to be seen again. Every once in a while, you've got to let us know you're still around, and still pissed. If at all possible, keep it interesting over the course of the boycott with periodic status updates and other tidbits. If and when resolution occurs, be sure to let everyone know that the boycott is over, and that we can get back to our normal lives.

So, here's how it shakes down. If and when something happens, I'll let you know in the sidebar, so check it for the play-b-play of Boycott '07. Starting today and through September 21st, you'll be able to track the process every step of the way, and have your name added to the cause if you want to; together, we'll find out first hand if boycotting really gets results.

Now, you may have found it strange that nowhere in my plan was a letter to the company. That's because I feel it pointless to go to the top with this. If I write a letter to Empire Theatres, one of two things will happen...

a) It gets tossed into the corner/garbage/furnace, never to be seen again, or
b) It gets read, and the decision is made to run Resident Evil: Extinction in Miramichi, solely as a means to shut me up.

What's the fun in that? No, it's much better this way. See, now we can spread the word all over. I'm sure Miramichi isn't the only small town that gets burdened with long drives to watch their favourite movies. Personally, I think the $20 for ticket and popcorn is enough without tacking on another $20 for gas, and I don't think I'm alone. If we get the word out, and collect support, we can do something far greater than get one movie played in one town for one week. We can change everything. Or not. We'll see.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Halloween workprint to download. Sorry Mr. Zombie, but they won't show your movies in my theatre.

Here endeth the ePISSle.