Ramallah
Written March 2006
A love song... from a terrorist to his god, but a love song nonetheless.
All that I have done for you
Has led me to this moment
My devotion you will see
Has been anything but idle
Relentlessly I have pursued
Your grace and acceptance
And now this sacrifice impending
Solidifies my intentions
The chaos I create tonight
Will celebrate your name divine
The heathens who refuse to priase your love
Will come to fear your rage...
To those who criticize my actions
I implore you, please hear me
It is not a choice for us to make
Whose opinions are correct
Judge not, lest ye thine self be judged
I believe it's in your bible
That you ignore this warning would seem to me
A testament to your damnation
The chaos I create tonight
To you considered suicide
It's more than just a sacrifice
I'm giving God the gift of life
(the air I taste tonight I will savour
even if there is a little hell in its flavour)
In ten seconds, the world will worship
And, as my thumb descends, I know
With this station as your altar
I have served you well.
March 20, 2006
February 13, 2006
The News
So, I figure if I'm going to eventually have people looking at this thing from time to time, I shouldn't be such a lazy ass and get some new content flowing. Granted, this entry will be nothing more than a boring update on a few things going on... but, it's still something, right? Er, right?
Anyway, as I write this I'm at the end of a three day weekend, a tiny luxury that I only impose upon myself from time to time so that it seems all the more luxurious when it happens. Sure, seeing as how I make the schedule at work, I could give myself a lot of these, but I guess I'm just a fair person who doesn't like to fuck the rest of the staff over. Regardless, it shall suffice to be said that I have enjoyed the three days of rest, especially in lignt of the fact that in one week the head of the company is paying us a visit. I'll be working my lilly white ass off for the rest of the week, so this small exercise in recharging the batteries was not only very pleasant, but wholly necessary.
So, to keep you abreast of the situation, I'm the assistant manager at the store, and have been for almost a year now. Lately, however, the regional manager has told my manager to think of ME as the manager, as the manager is kind of a slightly lower level regional manager than the regional manager. This allows me to pretend I'm the manager without actually being paid like the manager, and gives the manager the opportunity to pretend he's the regional manager without actually being paid like the regional manager. It's simple business philosophy, really. and, in all honesty, I have gotten a small raise in light of this "promotion" (so as to say, now I make slightly over minumum wage). But, like I tell myself all the time, this job is not about money, it's about keeping my sanity. Besides, with all the sweet discounts I get on CDs, it's kind of like making $15/hr. Okay, not really, but I do save a fair amount of money on the stuff I'd be buying whether I worked there or not. This, to me, is worth it. Although I'm sure Carrie would prefer it if I were actually making $15/hr. But, I'm her manager at work, so I consider these feelings insubordination :)
Taya will be eight years old in two weeks. It's really amazing every time I visit these days... which is still far less than I would like, but I've reminded myself several times that things have been slowly improving on that front, as well as the interaction I have with her mom; it's actually pretty mind-blowing how much love was lost during that whole transition. It's as though we'd secretly been holding all this rage toward each other, and it all burst out in the wake of the move. Happily, we're much more civil now, and I hope it's not just an act, as I've decided that the past should stay where it is; we're going to be involved in each other's lives on a small level, no matter what and forever. The least we can do is move on recognizing each other's role, and respect that role, even if animosity still exists. For me, it doesn't. I know that things could never return to the way they were; quite frankly, I never want them to. I've found a much more compatable match, and I think she has too. There was a lot of hurt and hatred a few years back, but I really think we've reached a point now where we accept the fact that things are probably better for everyone involved. At the same time, I acknowledge that, had it not been for the relationship we'd shared previously, we wouldn't have been blessed with such wonderful children.
Taya and Ryan are incredibly intelligent, talented kids. Any parent would say that, but I really do see infinite possibilities in both of them. For instance, I have learned that Taya is reading at a level not unlike mine when I was her age (if you'd allow me to toot my own horn just once, I was once considered uber-intelligent, and almost skipped a grade... mom wouldn't let them do it). In addition, she's shown me perosnally how well she can rollerblade... backwards... on skates much too big for her. As for Ryan? Well, for starters, he's using a computer quite well for a soon-to-be five-year-old. Hell, he probably knows some things I don't about them. Plus, every once in a while, he'll make a snappy, smartass comment, not unlike someone I know who maintains this website.
I guess what I'm driving at is the fact that, no matter how few times I get to see them, I think it's important to say that I am very interested in what's happening in their lives, and I enjoy every second I spend with them to the fullest. I know sometimes it must seem like I'm content to laze around over here, without so much as the thought of their presence entering my tiny brain. It's wrong to think that. I know I could (and should) better keep in touch, and I understand that paying child support isn't the extent of my duties as a father. It's not for lack of caring, nor lack of interest. If I could, I would visit every day. I would feel honoured and priviledged to be that big a part of their lives.
It's just not easy to be this far away. And, as strange as it seems, phone calls and emails make the distance seem that much farther, as though they're so out of reach I need to connect that way. At this point, I really don't know what else to say. But, I'll visit soon, before Taya's birthday. I need her, and Ryan, to know that I don't intend on becoming just a guy that comes to visit every once in a while, even if that's all I appear to be. I do appreciate the fact that they still call me daddy, even while knowing I'm the secondary holder of the title.
That's all I can say for now. Again, to anyone who reads this as an ousider looking in, I apologize for the dramatic turn. But, as I think I've stated before, you know what February does to me.
So, I figure if I'm going to eventually have people looking at this thing from time to time, I shouldn't be such a lazy ass and get some new content flowing. Granted, this entry will be nothing more than a boring update on a few things going on... but, it's still something, right? Er, right?
Anyway, as I write this I'm at the end of a three day weekend, a tiny luxury that I only impose upon myself from time to time so that it seems all the more luxurious when it happens. Sure, seeing as how I make the schedule at work, I could give myself a lot of these, but I guess I'm just a fair person who doesn't like to fuck the rest of the staff over. Regardless, it shall suffice to be said that I have enjoyed the three days of rest, especially in lignt of the fact that in one week the head of the company is paying us a visit. I'll be working my lilly white ass off for the rest of the week, so this small exercise in recharging the batteries was not only very pleasant, but wholly necessary.
So, to keep you abreast of the situation, I'm the assistant manager at the store, and have been for almost a year now. Lately, however, the regional manager has told my manager to think of ME as the manager, as the manager is kind of a slightly lower level regional manager than the regional manager. This allows me to pretend I'm the manager without actually being paid like the manager, and gives the manager the opportunity to pretend he's the regional manager without actually being paid like the regional manager. It's simple business philosophy, really. and, in all honesty, I have gotten a small raise in light of this "promotion" (so as to say, now I make slightly over minumum wage). But, like I tell myself all the time, this job is not about money, it's about keeping my sanity. Besides, with all the sweet discounts I get on CDs, it's kind of like making $15/hr. Okay, not really, but I do save a fair amount of money on the stuff I'd be buying whether I worked there or not. This, to me, is worth it. Although I'm sure Carrie would prefer it if I were actually making $15/hr. But, I'm her manager at work, so I consider these feelings insubordination :)
Taya will be eight years old in two weeks. It's really amazing every time I visit these days... which is still far less than I would like, but I've reminded myself several times that things have been slowly improving on that front, as well as the interaction I have with her mom; it's actually pretty mind-blowing how much love was lost during that whole transition. It's as though we'd secretly been holding all this rage toward each other, and it all burst out in the wake of the move. Happily, we're much more civil now, and I hope it's not just an act, as I've decided that the past should stay where it is; we're going to be involved in each other's lives on a small level, no matter what and forever. The least we can do is move on recognizing each other's role, and respect that role, even if animosity still exists. For me, it doesn't. I know that things could never return to the way they were; quite frankly, I never want them to. I've found a much more compatable match, and I think she has too. There was a lot of hurt and hatred a few years back, but I really think we've reached a point now where we accept the fact that things are probably better for everyone involved. At the same time, I acknowledge that, had it not been for the relationship we'd shared previously, we wouldn't have been blessed with such wonderful children.
Taya and Ryan are incredibly intelligent, talented kids. Any parent would say that, but I really do see infinite possibilities in both of them. For instance, I have learned that Taya is reading at a level not unlike mine when I was her age (if you'd allow me to toot my own horn just once, I was once considered uber-intelligent, and almost skipped a grade... mom wouldn't let them do it). In addition, she's shown me perosnally how well she can rollerblade... backwards... on skates much too big for her. As for Ryan? Well, for starters, he's using a computer quite well for a soon-to-be five-year-old. Hell, he probably knows some things I don't about them. Plus, every once in a while, he'll make a snappy, smartass comment, not unlike someone I know who maintains this website.
I guess what I'm driving at is the fact that, no matter how few times I get to see them, I think it's important to say that I am very interested in what's happening in their lives, and I enjoy every second I spend with them to the fullest. I know sometimes it must seem like I'm content to laze around over here, without so much as the thought of their presence entering my tiny brain. It's wrong to think that. I know I could (and should) better keep in touch, and I understand that paying child support isn't the extent of my duties as a father. It's not for lack of caring, nor lack of interest. If I could, I would visit every day. I would feel honoured and priviledged to be that big a part of their lives.
It's just not easy to be this far away. And, as strange as it seems, phone calls and emails make the distance seem that much farther, as though they're so out of reach I need to connect that way. At this point, I really don't know what else to say. But, I'll visit soon, before Taya's birthday. I need her, and Ryan, to know that I don't intend on becoming just a guy that comes to visit every once in a while, even if that's all I appear to be. I do appreciate the fact that they still call me daddy, even while knowing I'm the secondary holder of the title.
That's all I can say for now. Again, to anyone who reads this as an ousider looking in, I apologize for the dramatic turn. But, as I think I've stated before, you know what February does to me.
January 31, 2006
Who Says You Can't Leave Home Again?
I know, I know, I change websites more often than I change my underwear (which explains that wrecthed stench). Well, for reasons posted at that other place, I have made the decision to come back to the blog.
Trust me (or don't), this move will make things better for everyone. When I feel like dropping a line, it won't involve a colossal hassle like I got at that other place. Of course, with the increased ease of posting comes the decreased ease of taking my time, thinking things through before speaking, and other general nuisances related to the future content of this quaint little webnest.
It occurs to me that not everyone may have made the transition from blog to Geocities site with me when I jumped ship 16 months ago. As such, you may be wondering what I've been up to since '04. Since you asked so nicely, I'll break it down for you in point form.
- got writer's block
It's amazing how much can happen in such a short time. Anyway, while I can't guarantee a flurry of updates here, I can say without a doubt that you'll get a better track record from me here than at that other place. It'll be a fairly easy transition, as I really don't have much content to bring over from Geocities. I may or may not reinstate the Shitlist, though obviously updating that particular feature in blog format poses quite a lot of difficulty without actually entering it as a seperate blog. Maybe there's an easy way, but I'm pretty e-tarded when it comes to the bells and whistles of this thing. I figure if I can spell most of the words write and use italics occasionally, I'm making tremendous strides.
Finally, I'm pleased to report that my writer's block has been easing, and I've even written a little poetry that isn't a heinous violation of the English language. And, though I'll never revisit my peak of quality or quantity, at the very least I can say I'm going to be keeping in touch again.
Good to be back.
I know, I know, I change websites more often than I change my underwear (which explains that wrecthed stench). Well, for reasons posted at that other place, I have made the decision to come back to the blog.
Trust me (or don't), this move will make things better for everyone. When I feel like dropping a line, it won't involve a colossal hassle like I got at that other place. Of course, with the increased ease of posting comes the decreased ease of taking my time, thinking things through before speaking, and other general nuisances related to the future content of this quaint little webnest.
It occurs to me that not everyone may have made the transition from blog to Geocities site with me when I jumped ship 16 months ago. As such, you may be wondering what I've been up to since '04. Since you asked so nicely, I'll break it down for you in point form.
- got writer's block
It's amazing how much can happen in such a short time. Anyway, while I can't guarantee a flurry of updates here, I can say without a doubt that you'll get a better track record from me here than at that other place. It'll be a fairly easy transition, as I really don't have much content to bring over from Geocities. I may or may not reinstate the Shitlist, though obviously updating that particular feature in blog format poses quite a lot of difficulty without actually entering it as a seperate blog. Maybe there's an easy way, but I'm pretty e-tarded when it comes to the bells and whistles of this thing. I figure if I can spell most of the words write and use italics occasionally, I'm making tremendous strides.
Finally, I'm pleased to report that my writer's block has been easing, and I've even written a little poetry that isn't a heinous violation of the English language. And, though I'll never revisit my peak of quality or quantity, at the very least I can say I'm going to be keeping in touch again.
Good to be back.
September 21, 2004
September 12, 2004
Knock On Wood
Written July 5, 2004
One of few songs that I ended up writing over the summer. As some of the lyrics suggest, I wasn't writing much of anything in the weeks leading up to it, and I started feeling like I was losing the touch altogether. Another love song of sorts, the music for which plays in my head as light and kind of poppy. But with a little rock edge thrown in for street cred. Is that so wrong?
Anyway... I'm hoping that, as trite as this one is, there's still plenty of prose and metaphor lurking in my brain. It was just a case of writer's block, and I've felt it slowly lifting over the past week or so (as evidenced by a couple of new ones posted below).
I know I'm out of ideas when I'm writing about you
You're the crutch that keeps me standing
When I can't grab hold of the rails
I know it's time to pack it in when we're left with the question
"How do we keep it interesting?"
That's how I'll know that I failed
But if we're still in love by the time I grow up
I'm sure that we'll have beat this thing for good
And if we get along well enough for you to show up
Every day is better, knock on wood
Just promise me
Don't wither on me
I won't splinter on you...
I feel it's only fair to say that we're not in the clear yet
No matter how safe, there's danger somewhere
Storm clouds never stay away forever
I feel it's time to strap in and see where this takes us
Be it the bedroom or the belfry
Guess it all depends on the weather
But if we're still in love by the time it clears up
I'm sure that we'll have beat this thing for good
And if we get around indecision when it rears up
Every day we're closer, knock on wood
Just promise me
Don't wither on me
I won't splinter on you...
If we're still in love by the time we've grown up
I'm sure that we'll have beat this thing for good
And if we can survive with our hearts all sewn up
Every day we're better, knock on wood
Every day we're closer, knock on wood
Every day we're less for now, more for good...
Written July 5, 2004
One of few songs that I ended up writing over the summer. As some of the lyrics suggest, I wasn't writing much of anything in the weeks leading up to it, and I started feeling like I was losing the touch altogether. Another love song of sorts, the music for which plays in my head as light and kind of poppy. But with a little rock edge thrown in for street cred. Is that so wrong?
Anyway... I'm hoping that, as trite as this one is, there's still plenty of prose and metaphor lurking in my brain. It was just a case of writer's block, and I've felt it slowly lifting over the past week or so (as evidenced by a couple of new ones posted below).
I know I'm out of ideas when I'm writing about you
You're the crutch that keeps me standing
When I can't grab hold of the rails
I know it's time to pack it in when we're left with the question
"How do we keep it interesting?"
That's how I'll know that I failed
But if we're still in love by the time I grow up
I'm sure that we'll have beat this thing for good
And if we get along well enough for you to show up
Every day is better, knock on wood
Just promise me
Don't wither on me
I won't splinter on you...
I feel it's only fair to say that we're not in the clear yet
No matter how safe, there's danger somewhere
Storm clouds never stay away forever
I feel it's time to strap in and see where this takes us
Be it the bedroom or the belfry
Guess it all depends on the weather
But if we're still in love by the time it clears up
I'm sure that we'll have beat this thing for good
And if we get around indecision when it rears up
Every day we're closer, knock on wood
Just promise me
Don't wither on me
I won't splinter on you...
If we're still in love by the time we've grown up
I'm sure that we'll have beat this thing for good
And if we can survive with our hearts all sewn up
Every day we're better, knock on wood
Every day we're closer, knock on wood
Every day we're less for now, more for good...
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