Pissing Vinegar vol. 45: So, You've Decided To Boycott...

Okay, here's the situation...

You hear me talk a lot about poor service. You hear me jabber endlessly about being wronged by corporations, and planning revenge against said corporations. You've even heard me drop the B-word before. And, though my last boycott attempt was foiled by an undying hunger for fries, I still feel as though I'm above average when it comes to boycotting. I wouldn't quite place me in the upper five percentile, but I'm damn sure better at boycotting than the lower class peons that writhe on the ground under my feet, begging my mercy as I strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious.... whoa. Let's reel that tangent in, shall we?

All I'm saying is that, for all the bitching I do about disservice, it occurred to me that maybe I could actually provide a service about what to do when you've decided to boycott. So, I shall give it a go. Walk with me into the heart of darkness.

How to Boycott in Five Easy Steps:

1. Pick your target.
If you're going to boycott, you need a victim. Now, picking a boycott target isn't as easy as "I hate this company, so I'm boycotting them". This isn't Lent; you have to boycott a company you normally frequent on at least a semi-regular basis. For example, why would I boycott Domino's Pizza when I've never had it in my life? Senseless. Choose a place you've been to at least once a month; that way, it'll feel like you're actually boycotting.

At this point, I'd be remiss if I didn't give you a solid example, a fight of my own to undertake along side of you, my noble soldiers. My target in this boycott is Empire Theatres.

2. Now, we need a reason.
Once you have a target, you are definitely going to need a reason. Otherwise, the other steps are going to be a bitch. Now, we're talking about something so wrong taking place on the business' behalf that you see no alternative but to stop frequenting that establishment. "I don't like them" is no excuse; you have to know why you don't like them. If you can't think of a reason, chances are the boycott will fail, and you will bring shame to your family.

So, why am I boycotting Empire Theatres? I could have chosen a number of reasons (inflated prices, shitty addictive popcorn, etc.). I have decided upon the most common complaint for our lovely local theatre; we don't get the good movies. Oh sure, we get the blockbusters; everybody gets those. But we don't get the GOOD movies. You know, the R-rated ones with the gushing blood and the oozing guts? What are they called? Oh yeah, HORROR MOVIES. If it's not a shitty third-rate remake and/or starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, chances are good that we don't get to watch it on opening night. If you need proof, we can go all the way back to a little film called Freddy Vs. Jason. When it opened four years ago, it topped the box office. But Miramichi had nothing to do with it, because we didn't get it. Most recently, we're being shut out of Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween (presumably because it's not third-rate and/or directed by Rob Zombie; none of his films have ever played here). Now, I understand that very little of the decision making falls on specific theatres, and I don't plan to single out one theatre. That's right, kids; whereas before I'd be inclined to go to Moncton and watch it at Crystal Palace or Trinity Drive, this time I say fuck that. I'm boycotting ALL Empire Theatres.

3, Time to figure out what you want to get out of this.
Here's your chance to play kidnapper without the threat of jail time or the hassle of scared children. Take a few minutes and think it all over. Once your boycott has started, how do you know when to end it? We're not quitting smoking here; we're leaving the door open to rekindling the relationship, and we need to set a goal as to when that should happen. Now, it'd be silly to ask for ransom; that's what lawsuits are for. We will require hard evidence that our voices have been heard. What "hard evidence" entails is totally up to you. It could be a free meal, a slap in the nuts, or whatever you determine as proof that you've made a difference.

Back to my struggle, and this is a tough one. How do you get change from a company that doesn't care about small towns? Because it's obvious that Empire could give a rat's pus-infected colon what we think in Miramichi when it comes to horror movies. According to their figures, we've got nothing but toddlers, teenagers and old people around here. Maybe someone should let them know that not every Miramichier between the ages of 18 and 64 has moved out west. Yet. Regardless, I've decided that for the purposes of this article, I should go with a short boycott (I hope). So here's the sitch; Resident Evil: Extinction opens on September 21, and if you've seen the red band trailer, you know it actually looks awesome. Not as awesome as the dozens of great flicks I never got to watch in a theatre, but pretty awesome nonetheless. So, my boycott will end if we get Resident Evil: Extinction here in Miramichi.

4. Spread the Word, brothers and sisters!
Kind of like I just did. Remember, the entire point of the boycott is to raise awareness of your dissatisfaction and to get as many people on your side as possible. After all, there's power in numbers. The more people know about it, the more people agree. The more people agree, the more people participate. The more people participate, the more people to put the blame on if things get out of hand and arrests are made. However, if you don't have a website, there are other ways you can get the word out. Write an articulate e-mail and send it to all of your contacts. Make a group on Facebook. Write an articulate e-mail and post a copy of it on Facebook. If you don't have a computer, you're fucked. Seriously, you can't win. No one is going to give the time of day to someone who doesn't even have a computer. This is the 21st century, grandpa. Get your ass to Staples and get with the now.

5. Keep it up!
This is the really important part. You can't just say "I'm boycotting blah blah blah" and walk away, never to be seen again. Every once in a while, you've got to let us know you're still around, and still pissed. If at all possible, keep it interesting over the course of the boycott with periodic status updates and other tidbits. If and when resolution occurs, be sure to let everyone know that the boycott is over, and that we can get back to our normal lives.

So, here's how it shakes down. If and when something happens, I'll let you know in the sidebar, so check it for the play-b-play of Boycott '07. Starting today and through September 21st, you'll be able to track the process every step of the way, and have your name added to the cause if you want to; together, we'll find out first hand if boycotting really gets results.

Now, you may have found it strange that nowhere in my plan was a letter to the company. That's because I feel it pointless to go to the top with this. If I write a letter to Empire Theatres, one of two things will happen...

a) It gets tossed into the corner/garbage/furnace, never to be seen again, or
b) It gets read, and the decision is made to run Resident Evil: Extinction in Miramichi, solely as a means to shut me up.

What's the fun in that? No, it's much better this way. See, now we can spread the word all over. I'm sure Miramichi isn't the only small town that gets burdened with long drives to watch their favourite movies. Personally, I think the $20 for ticket and popcorn is enough without tacking on another $20 for gas, and I don't think I'm alone. If we get the word out, and collect support, we can do something far greater than get one movie played in one town for one week. We can change everything. Or not. We'll see.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Halloween workprint to download. Sorry Mr. Zombie, but they won't show your movies in my theatre.

Here endeth the ePISSle.

Rock Is For Your Eyes!

Been a while since I clogged up the screen and made your page loading choppy with some videos. I'd say we need to rectify this now.

Serj Tankian: The Unthinking Majority

Seeing as how the System of a Down singer's last foray into non-SOAD music resulted in the organic/weird/trippy Serart, I had high hopes for Serj's first true solo album (Elect the Dead, out October 23rd). Which is why I was, at first, a little disappointed to hear the disc's first offering was so Systemish. Then, I reasoned with myself that we may never get another SOAD album, so I'd better take what I can get and shut the fuck up.



Against Me!: Thrash Unreal

There have been two schools of thought on Against Me!'s new disc, New Wave. First, take the punks' point of view. According to them, Against Me! are shit because they signed with a major label. Ergo, their music is shit now. Then, there's the voice of reason, that says a band with songs as good as this needs a major label to satisfy the demand of good rock music loving fans the world over. Besides, even if they hadn't signed with Sire, the punks would've turned their backs on Against Me! anyway. After all, "Thrash Unreal" is so good, New Wave is going to sell a shitload with or without support from the man. Now please, punks, shut your holes, save your breath. Go home and listen to your Minor Threat records, and leave us alone with the good bands.





Foo Fighters: The Pretender

Are the Foo Fighters irrelevant? Has Dave Grohl run his course? Didn't the acoustic half of In Your Honor suck choda? Before you answer the first two questions (because there's no doubt on the third), I suggest you watch this video, and see what the Foos have planned for their self-described Steely Dan (?!) influenced sixth LP, September 25th's Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace. Then, we'll know if Grohl & friends have still got the nuts, or if they've just been reelin' in the years. Fuck, what a lame pun. Can I take that back?



As a special bonus for sitting through those videos (or for scrolling to the bottom of the post, enjoy this super bloody red band trailer for the new Alien vs. Predator flick. For anyone worried about a repeat of the PG-13 dumbed down flufftacular of the first movie, rejoice! We're taking the franchises back, motherfucker! Enjoy this shit before 20th Century Fox yanks it off YouTube.

Pissing Vinegar Vol. 44: My Favourite Target

Okay, here's the situation...

Have you ever found yourself in a vicious circle? It could happen in a relationship, in a battle with addiction, or even in a mundane everyday setting. For example, let's say you spend every day the same way. You wake up, clean up, eat, go to work, come home, watch TV, check your email and go to bed. You never deviate from that schedule. And you hate it. So you try to change it by switching things up a little. Maybe you eat before your shower, or check your email before TV. Whatever the case, you become satisfied with the changes you've made to your lifestyle. Which is why it sickens you when you suddenly realize that you've dropped the ball. Without even thinking about it, things have returned to the way they were before.

We all go through times in our life when we feel we're trapped in one of these vicious circles. It's an incredible pain in the ass, but eventually we make enough mistakes that we have no choice but to learn from them.

Well, at least I hope so.

This morning, I roll out of bed as groggy as ever, and look at the clock. It's 10:40, and I'm hungry. Rational thought tells me that I'm a five minute drive away from McDonald's, and that I can feed my hunger with a couple of Egg McMuffins. Yes, that would do the trick quite nicely. So, I throw on some clothes and a hat, jump in the car, and mosey on down the road. Without incident, I arrive at the drive-thru with five minutes to spare. There are two cars ahead of me and, though the first one appears to be getting slow service, I don't panic. This is McDonald's; this shit happens all the time. A minute or so goes by, and the line advances. Next up is a carload of girls, so I'm thinking they'd better be anorexic. Fortunately, they've already ordered their breakfast and are here to get said order fixed. This is McDonald's; this shit happens all the time.

At 10:57, it's my turn. No sweat, I made it free and clear, we're good to go.

"Just one moment, please."

Ah, the proverbial "just a moment, please". Nothing quite says "They don't pay me enough to watch their stupid training videos so I don't and because of this I get into situations just like this where I don't know what the hell I'm doing and everything's happening so fast and I've lost control of the situation so I need to take a moment and breathe and remember who I am and Goddamn it why do you people never stop coming here I get so angry with the cars and their people ordering food and expecting good service I can't take this shit anymore" like "just a moment, please". It's nothing I haven't heard before. This is McDonald's; this shit happens all the time.

So, I'd say no more than 30 seconds goes by until our brave employee composes herself enough to take my order. I announce my intentions of consuming two of the tasty Bacon & Egg McMuffins they have on the sign directly beside my car. A pause. A silence. "Just one moment, please".

Wait a minute, I already heard that once today. This is different...

"I'm sorry, we're no longer serving breakfast."

Funny, I think to myself. My clock says 10:58. You serve breakfast until 11am. It says so on the sign. You know, the one with the breakfast menu on it that I'm looking at from my car right this second.

"You served the person ahead of me breakfast."

"I'm sorry, sir. That was the last order we had."

Now, I don't even know what that means. They ran out of breakfast? They ran out of customers? They ran out of orders? What about me? I have an order! What the fuck is going on in there? All I know is that if I speak, I could very well break this girl's fragile head with my words, so I elect to speed out of the drive-thru (and by "speed", I mean go as fast as my little Hyundai will take me under the circumstances), park in the lot, and go inside. So that's what I do. And, once inside, there's only one thing I'm looking for. A manager? Fuck that; complaining to the manager is like walking up to a priest and telling him Jesus loves him. It does zero good. Sure, you might get some coupons, but what the fuck are you going to do with them? Bring them with you next time? That's like base diving off of a cliff, breaking your leg, and coming back the next week with the cast. Having said that, of course I'm a hypocrite for saying that, but I've never claimed to practice what I preached.

No, what I'm looking for is just beyond the brain trust. Behind the counter, toward the drive-thru, and up. Voila! The clock! Which just now turned to 11:00. Just as I suspected. An establishment that announces breakfast until 11am, but stops serving it to their customers at 10:58. Now, some people might argue that being off by two minutes is no big deal. Fair enough; let's say for the sake of argument that two minutes is no big deal. Great. Now light yourself on fire. I'll douse you in two minutes.

Back in the restaurant, I start to tell myself that this is McDonald's; this happens all the time. But, you know what? It doesn't. I've had orders fucked up beyond recognition. I've had someone laugh at me over the drive-thru speaker because they thought I said I wanted toast instead of Coke. Hell, I've gotten a bolt in my fries. I thought I'd seen it all. But, I've never been refused service until today.

So, I do what any fool with common sense would do; I drive home and fire up the computer. If I'm going to complain, I'm going to complain where it counts. Unfortunately, there are no email contacts listed on the McDonald's web site, so I had to complain two the 3 1/2 people who read this shit. At least if I sent an email, I could have had upwards of a half dozen suits sitting around a table reading "toast instead of Coke" in stunned silence. Forgive me if I find that more entertaining than the thought of you sitting in front of a computer. They're suits. Fat, bald little white guys with golden rings and dark secrets. That shit intrigues me.

By the way, isn't it kind of hypocritical to operate a website with no email listing? You can send me email; I know I put that shit somewhere on here. I mean, come on now; a website is, primarily, a method of communication via computer. Basically, what this tells me is that McDonald's would love to talk to me about food and service, they just don't want me talking to them about how awful said food and service can be unless I'd care to write a snail mail letter that gets thrown onto the pile with a thousands of others and sits there until it's time to grind that shit up for burgers. Oh, wait, I can talk to them right now! All I have to do is call them on the phone (NOT EVEN TOLL FREE), and play the wonderful, exciting, ever so inviting Switchboard Maze! Now that's fun! F-U-ck off, Ronald!

See, this is what pisses me off the most. McDonald's has been consistent when it comes to errors, and even moreso when it comes to the annual Gigantic Aggrevation. It seems at least once a year, they do something so horribly flawed, their service dips to a new low, and I write a PV explaining my intentions of never eating there again. I have to wonder, how many more people are there like me? I'm thinking a lot, especially if the company had to make it borderline impossible to complain to someone other than the lowly store managers, who are powerless to change their underwear most days, let alone the minds of a teenage staff who could give two shits whether or not you're satisfied; if they have to suffer because daddy was sick of paying a $200/month cell phone bill and made them get a job, you have to suffer too.

Through all the twists and turns, all the ups and downs, all the bolts and toasts, I must say this; I love you, McDonald's. I know I've been harsh in the past, and I promise I'll be harsh in the future, but I can't quit you, baby. Even if your fries taste like Lay's potato chips now (which, for the record, they do; I could write a ten-pager on the changing of the fries alone). See, it's so easy for me to say I'm never eating there again. I've said it before, and I've quite obviously reneged on that statement. So, fuck it. I'm going to keep on subjecting myself to Ronald's inappropriate emotional groping and fondling. You may ask why I would put myself through the shame and horror. Why would I go back to the ones who cause me so much pain, when there's a perfectly good Burger King across the parking lot?

It's simple; without McDonald's, you just lost immeasurable Pissing Vinegars. And I just lost my favourite target.

Here endeth the ePISSle.