The News

So, I figure if I'm going to eventually have people looking at this thing from time to time, I shouldn't be such a lazy ass and get some new content flowing. Granted, this entry will be nothing more than a boring update on a few things going on... but, it's still something, right? Er, right?

Anyway, as I write this I'm at the end of a three day weekend, a tiny luxury that I only impose upon myself from time to time so that it seems all the more luxurious when it happens. Sure, seeing as how I make the schedule at work, I could give myself a lot of these, but I guess I'm just a fair person who doesn't like to fuck the rest of the staff over. Regardless, it shall suffice to be said that I have enjoyed the three days of rest, especially in lignt of the fact that in one week the head of the company is paying us a visit. I'll be working my lilly white ass off for the rest of the week, so this small exercise in recharging the batteries was not only very pleasant, but wholly necessary.

So, to keep you abreast of the situation, I'm the assistant manager at the store, and have been for almost a year now. Lately, however, the regional manager has told my manager to think of ME as the manager, as the manager is kind of a slightly lower level regional manager than the regional manager. This allows me to pretend I'm the manager without actually being paid like the manager, and gives the manager the opportunity to pretend he's the regional manager without actually being paid like the regional manager. It's simple business philosophy, really. and, in all honesty, I have gotten a small raise in light of this "promotion" (so as to say, now I make slightly over minumum wage). But, like I tell myself all the time, this job is not about money, it's about keeping my sanity. Besides, with all the sweet discounts I get on CDs, it's kind of like making $15/hr. Okay, not really, but I do save a fair amount of money on the stuff I'd be buying whether I worked there or not. This, to me, is worth it. Although I'm sure Carrie would prefer it if I were actually making $15/hr. But, I'm her manager at work, so I consider these feelings insubordination :)

Taya will be eight years old in two weeks. It's really amazing every time I visit these days... which is still far less than I would like, but I've reminded myself several times that things have been slowly improving on that front, as well as the interaction I have with her mom; it's actually pretty mind-blowing how much love was lost during that whole transition. It's as though we'd secretly been holding all this rage toward each other, and it all burst out in the wake of the move. Happily, we're much more civil now, and I hope it's not just an act, as I've decided that the past should stay where it is; we're going to be involved in each other's lives on a small level, no matter what and forever. The least we can do is move on recognizing each other's role, and respect that role, even if animosity still exists. For me, it doesn't. I know that things could never return to the way they were; quite frankly, I never want them to. I've found a much more compatable match, and I think she has too. There was a lot of hurt and hatred a few years back, but I really think we've reached a point now where we accept the fact that things are probably better for everyone involved. At the same time, I acknowledge that, had it not been for the relationship we'd shared previously, we wouldn't have been blessed with such wonderful children.

Taya and Ryan are incredibly intelligent, talented kids. Any parent would say that, but I really do see infinite possibilities in both of them. For instance, I have learned that Taya is reading at a level not unlike mine when I was her age (if you'd allow me to toot my own horn just once, I was once considered uber-intelligent, and almost skipped a grade... mom wouldn't let them do it). In addition, she's shown me perosnally how well she can rollerblade... backwards... on skates much too big for her. As for Ryan? Well, for starters, he's using a computer quite well for a soon-to-be five-year-old. Hell, he probably knows some things I don't about them. Plus, every once in a while, he'll make a snappy, smartass comment, not unlike someone I know who maintains this website.

I guess what I'm driving at is the fact that, no matter how few times I get to see them, I think it's important to say that I am very interested in what's happening in their lives, and I enjoy every second I spend with them to the fullest. I know sometimes it must seem like I'm content to laze around over here, without so much as the thought of their presence entering my tiny brain. It's wrong to think that. I know I could (and should) better keep in touch, and I understand that paying child support isn't the extent of my duties as a father. It's not for lack of caring, nor lack of interest. If I could, I would visit every day. I would feel honoured and priviledged to be that big a part of their lives.

It's just not easy to be this far away. And, as strange as it seems, phone calls and emails make the distance seem that much farther, as though they're so out of reach I need to connect that way. At this point, I really don't know what else to say. But, I'll visit soon, before Taya's birthday. I need her, and Ryan, to know that I don't intend on becoming just a guy that comes to visit every once in a while, even if that's all I appear to be. I do appreciate the fact that they still call me daddy, even while knowing I'm the secondary holder of the title.

That's all I can say for now. Again, to anyone who reads this as an ousider looking in, I apologize for the dramatic turn. But, as I think I've stated before, you know what February does to me.